Posted by Margaret (206.203.36.168) on May 04, 2002 at 15:28:19:
In Reply to: I agree posted by froggyTheFrog (9w8) (158.114.92.201) on May 03, 2002 at 14:37:36:
You guys both have good points. Thank you for your advice and support.
You know what I was thinking though? That in the end, all this whole thing was about was my not feeling in control in other areas of my life. Not feeling in control, or like I was not making any progress, etc. ended up getting the best of me. As a result, I ended up trying to control this relationship, to compensate for my lack of feeling in control in other areas of my life.
No doubt the best solution is to stop that, because none of that would help me get control over (mainly) my work life. Much better instead to just keep focusing and working on breaking down all the steps it takes to make progress on getting a good job, one that I can take permanent, which will make me feel in control again. Then, after that's stabilized, find a nicer, cleaner, quieter place to live closer to my job. Then start meeting new people, make new friends (platonic), start getting out more, do more things, and just basically have a nice life.
It would be from these things that I would feel more control in my life. It would be from these things that will make me feel better, feel more accomplished, wanted, useful, needed in life. Trying to get these needs (feeling useful, wanted, valuable, needed, etc) met by demanding someone date me, isn't the right way to go.
I've been doing this the wrong way. Where my needs weren't met from mainly in my career life, and secondly my living situation, and thirdly my social life in general, I tried to get them met from a different way. From a way that wasn't right, and wouldn't work.
In the end, when I get back to concentrating on myself, my own life, in particular, getting the job I want, I will feel much much better.
Pestering others who can't help with that won't work, if anything, it will only make things more frustrating in general.
I had a good day Friday, I got some more contacts, I am now narrowing my target, my ideal position, and am becoming more upfront about getting what I want ideally, which is something that I haven't done before, mostly because I was too afraid to disclose what I desired.
I feel better now having a much better detailed, realistic, and narrowed down action plan to get what I want work-wise. I am becoming less afraid of going for what I want, and that is good. All I need to do is keep working at it, and eventually I will get to where I want to be.
Meanwhile, as far as having control of the relationship, I really don't want it. In the end, I'd rather he have it. I instead would much rather do what he wants to do when it comes to the relationship.
And as for doing what I want, I'd rather get those needs met in another areas, in particular, starting with getting the ideal job I want, then living and social arrangments. Much better to do it that way. Much better. That's what I'd rather have. Much better that way. More comfortable. More realistic, practical, enjoyable. Much better.
And now that that's been decide, we can move on from here again.
Thank god, that's settled, and over with. Now we can move on. (whew)
feel in control In
: Good point, Primer. (Thinner?)
: There's a situation I have been in. The cost of moving and giving up my current life (sounds like the cost of moving would be your major concern at this point) was too great compared to what I would lose if I went to be with the other person. I would not move just for the sake of being with another person unless they told me "Absolutely!" I would not budge beforehand.
: How much do you lose if you don't get what you want, Margaret? Nothing? Go for it, but expecting to be disappointed. A little or more? Do what you would want to do whether this person were in the picture or not. Hey, why don't you ask this guy how he feels? You have a lot less to lose from hearing "I don't know" or "No" over the phone than from making a move and then getting that answer.
: Note: If he does say "I don't know" or "no", thank him for being honest. He's saving you a ton of trouble, even though he may be disappointing you.
: Froggy