Re: FOUR: Escaping the Relentless --TO CA Riley

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: : : : : :about seven months ago I discovered the enneagram w/ several friends. I myself am also a fellow four w/ a five wing. I understand dispare as deeply as you can(although as a four I'm sure you don't believe me). I have had more then enough crosses to bare. I just think that we will never escape this. Our pain is one of the main reasons we are what we are. Every person has a root sin. A fours sin is envy. The reason I bring this up is that i have noticed that we all seem to have damaging events that have shaped our lives. They seem to have created a snowball of misery. We are romantic indivuals who always feel on the outside of society and life. Our past harbor memories that are tragic and because of our keen sensitivty we are emointaly crippled from it. Everyone else who apppears happy and belongs to a group reject us for the most part. We are conditioned to dislike the masses and usually feel we are better then them(for the most part we are). yet inside all of us we would like to be a part of them. We want this because we have never reaaly had this, and we never will. We may dislike the mass majority but at the same time we envy them. Our envy is one of sour greatest down falls. It is one of the biggest factors in our depressions. : : What you say about envy is SO true for me...I know I am etremely preceptive (psychic, even) and that sets me apart, makes me unique..but sometimes I absolutely HATE how different I feel...I am very envious of those who are extroverted, seem to take life a bit more lightly, can be at ease in all social situations, etc....and you hit the nail on the head, because I know the envy feeds my depression, makes me think "i'll never be able to exist like THEY can, etc....I know everyone's got their problems, "happy-go-lucky" types as well....but its hard to feel "validated" by a society that rewards aggression and extroversion....I am lamenting, but its is how I feel often..... : : I can tell you from personal expirence that the wanting need to be a part of a society that could care less about me was and is damaging. : .......I know. Been there too. : : Maybe you don't feel the same way, but I have a feeling you atleast can understand how I feel. My main point is I don't think we can escape the dispare. We can submerge it and create from it but it is always there. I feel that myself and others need to turn it into strength and take on ourselves and the world with it. I hope you have been able to. Sorry to have bothered you with my obsessent rambling, but I needed to get it out of me. Good luck. : I am trying to grapple with the sense that the despair will never go away...but it is exactly THAT that makes me feel even more bummed, like is so permanent what's the use...so I have to buy into the belief that it IS transformable, at least in the sense of sublimation, creation.....I have used it as a strength, but I guess I am at a point in my life...(I'm 28, going through a Saturn Return sorta thing, if you buy into astrology) where I am re-evaulating, and trying to develop, grow, and find my "niche".....something I have always been trying to do, but the sense of necessity (urgency??) is more acute these days.. : And that makes me feel overwhelmed, especially "haunted" by my fourness. : Thanks for your response. You have many similiar thoughts as me. Its good to know that about others in the world. Hope to hear more from you. : : : --jess

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