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Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive Re: One more thing...for DerfPosted by Lauren on June 10, 1998 at 10:05:39: In Reply to: Re: One more thing...AND ANOTHER posted by Derf on June 09, 1998 at 19:38:15:
Derf: I can understand where your coming from. I struggled with exactly this for a long time with my friend. It was particularly hard because I could place myself directly in her shoes, having felt all the things she had felt, and having put someone else through all the things she was putting me through. (It was like looking at a mirror) If you can keep up a contact with them, but not get too emotionally involved, I think this is the best route. It seemed nothing I did was right for her, whether giving her space (she accused me of abandoning her), or being her "therapist" with all sorts of advice and suggestions - this backfired too, as she began to hate me for it. Ultimately, she made the decision to keep me out of her life, not I. It took me a long time to accept. To this day, I still have urges to call her, but I tried so many times before, what would I accomplish? It becomes very painful for the person trying to help someone like this. If you can maintain a neutral but sympathetic position, I would recommend it, if your strong enough. He/she may come to you demanding more, but if he/she is anything like the 4 friend I know, he/she will turn on you once you get emotionally hooked in to helping them. It really is quite a dilemma, and I found, impossible to keep my own hurt out of the whole thing, even though I knew she was in such a bad state. And yes, some people do want to stay depressed - its comfortable and safe for them. Ultimately, I really believe the desire to change has to come from themselves, once the pain of their patterns becomes all too much even for them. They may have to reach bottom a few times before every fibre of their being screams for change...! I wish you good luck with this, Derf - Lauren.
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