Posted by Margaret (206.203.36.180) on January 30, 2003 at 19:49:58:
I have been having some really serious thoughts lately about the huge difference between thinkers and feelers in a relationship a lot lately.
I have had only two close male friends in my life, a male ENFJ 1w2 (a number years back) and a male ENTJ 8w7 (these past few years) and I just need to say, I have really been somewhat taken aback about the huge difference between the two.
Now I knew from after reading the MBTI book, before I got together with the Thinker, about how the two types were going to be different, so I had naturally had expected some of these differences to show up, so I didn't think I would have an issue with it. I knew ahead of time that the difference was going to be there, and had an idea of what sort of diffenrence it would entail, and that was all fine, however, what I had not realized was the *magnitude* of the difference.
The Feelers in a relationship often times tell their mate how they feel (positive) about them. Not only do they refrain from putting the other down, they don't ignore them, they tell them they want to see them and be with them, they don't make them feel bad, they are always complimenting them, remember holidays, birthdays, are very affectionate verbally, and are very nurturing verbally, and so on and so on. Lots of positive, nurturing healthy 'feel good' verbal nurturing from the Feeler in a realtionship.
However, this is not quite the same with a Thinker type. Now I knew ahead of time to not expect a lot of direct verbal affection from Thinkers, because that wasn't their 'strength', however, what took me aback was I had no idea the *magnitude* of the difference regarding the amount of actual direct verbal communication that would go on with them.
And it has been making me very curious about this huge difference with such lack of direct verbal communication. I am starting to wonder, is this something Thinkers seriously and honest to God cannot "do", for real? Or are they capable, but so 'unfeeling' they hold back instead? And when they hold back, and they don't talk to you when you would like to have an answer, why are they doing this? or do they seriously not realize what they are doing? And if so, why would someone do this?
I am now at the point where I have no idea what Thinkers think about what constitutes a relationship. Do they really not know that in order to consider a relationship valid and existant, you have to actually talk directly with and communicate directly to *politely*, with tact, care, and consideration (negative put downs, shouting, so on do not count, are not valid, period) to their mate? If so, if they don't know this, then what else could they possibley consider as 'proof' that, yes, the tow of you like each other and want to be with each other? Does anyone here know??
Has anyone ever been in a realtionship with a Thinker and a Feeler and experienced such huge difference?
I am somewhat knid of perplexed by this.