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Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive Self vs. Anti-SelfPosted by Cory on October 09, 1999 at 20:04:54: I am a Four. Its no use hiding behind masks. I may have deluded others but I can't delude myself. All "fivish" comments made by me in the past few days have been intentional, not sprung up from the unconscious. I was deeply aware of what I was saying and what image I was presenting. It was like what I learned in Theater Arts...you have to imagine yourself as the character, and the lines will flow perfectly. Suddenly you are no longer a removed actor saying lines, but Are the character and Are the lines! That is why actors are usually so crazy - they have no sense of the Self. The Real Self reveals itself when you do not intend to. Its thumbprint is on every unconscious action. Every feeling and thought. Last night during a conversation, I got very worked up about my type ambiguity. "I DON'T HAVE A SELF!!!!" I screamed (well, in cyberspace, I screamed). Then it hit me. That sentence just lept out of me, I didnt try to fight it...it was a slice of my real personality. The passion involved. The sentence meaning! I was getting tormented by not being able to find my self. And what does type Four fear most? When I originally got into the enneagram, I felt that that connection with Four that Riso-Hudson say you get. They say you will just "know" it. That is what I felt (feel), but, I am afraid to listen to my intuitions. I don't trust them. Feelings are unstable and subjective...what happens if I interpret them wrong? This doubt in oneself and social conditioning have all come together like sediment in muddy water to construct something: The Anti-Self. What is this Anti-Self? Basically, its a defense mechanism employed by the Self to protect it. During my life, my feelings have been neglected, abused, used, played with. And when one's face has been punched too long, you start to hide it from the world. This is where my Anti-Self comes in. My Anti-Self isn't just strong...its Devoid of Feeling. Its the complete opposite of my nature. It tries to choose numbness over tormented feelings. Of course, there is a price with this. I have got in many many arguments with people when I am my Anti-Self. To be honest, my Anti-Self has yet to gain a friend. It is my Hyde to my Jekyll. Whatever weakness lies in my Self, the Anti-Self tries to destroy it and replace it with the opposite. If I normally let my heart guide me, the Anti-Self will overthrow it and let my "head" do the work. I use quotations because its still my heart - albeit, the negative side of the heart. "Rational", "Logical", "Objective"...those words are just pawns for the Anti-Self. They do not serve any purpose but to justify its actions. The Anti-Self is consumed with being right, at any cost, and will bend the truth to serve its needs. What I have is an EXTREMELY bad case of Envy...which is my Sexual subtype. The Aesop fable of the fox who can't get the grapes, best illustrates my situation. The fox reasons "they probably weren't that great tasting anyways" to justify his feelings. Since the Anti-Self is the mirror of what I consider "weaknesses", it should be no surprise that a Sexual 4w5 would take such a biochemical/animal attitude towards it. The other night I accused everybody of being weak and dependent for being in love. I'm assuming this was my Anti-Self talking, since I can remember times when I was Nothing like this. Long before the days of the Anti-Self's birth I can remember a simple, innocent nature to me. So then, is there anything positive about this defense? No, but it gets worse... The Anti-Self will devour my Self. This inner conflict has created a turbulent typhoon inside my mind, ravishing my feelings like wind tearing down palm trees and houses. This "protector" is no longer protecting me, but attacking me. The dog has turned on its owner. Now I am having to fend myself against this monster I created, and I don't know how I can win! I'm afraid at the current rate of my mental health (lately, there has been an increase in my depression episodes...usually occuring once a day), my Anti-Self will get stronger and stronger, and I will get weaker and weaker. This is frightening for me. Right now, I'm somewhat calm and rational...no, I'm not abusing the word this time. I am being Honest. This is more of my natural benevolent state. However, this won't last forever and soon enough the Anti-Self will return and I will revert back to that horrid state. Once that happens I will deny having written this letter. I will be saying that I was psychotic writing this!!! But who to believe? The Self...or the Anti-Self? -Cory [4w5 Sexual, INFP]
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