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Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive Re: Scared shitless versus real Cory.Posted by Tiggy on October 09, 1999 at 20:52:03: In Reply to: Self vs. Anti-Self posted by Cory on October 09, 1999 at 20:04:54: No you won't say you were being psychotic when you wrote this. your not mad.And your certainly not out of touch with reality. you're enormously brave to say the things you say, when you feel so scared. It's easy for me to spout self-revealing nonsense because I want to be known, but for you it's much harder and you've done it! The real self you describe sounds much more like the Cory I perceived from your posts; I was quite surprised by the last few posts on avoiding people. Your real self is how you are here with us, when you're less scared. Being scared can be a sensible thing at times, look at the trouble I get into because I'm not scared enough! many of the people on this board have suffered a lot growing up and feel a lack of identity. In a way it's easier for me to understand because being adopted provides the obvious reasoning for not knowing who I am. But things like alienation from parents can also bring it about. What I believe is that we are all made in the image of God. In Enneagram terms, we are all birthed from essence. The personality should be a working of head, heart and gut in balance, but things go wrong, so we end up distorting what we were created to be as humans. We put more weight on one dimension than the others and sometimes swing wildly from one to the other. Learning to live with the influences of mind, heart and body is a starting point. It doesn't really matter what type we are, or what culture we belong to, or which group we band together with - essentially, ie in our truest selves, we all belong to essence or God or the Spirit and we are all one and the same. One of my favourite expressions is, 'We are all facets of a diamond reflecting God'. We are not homogenous, but unique one of creations, as only incarnation in the world through interacting with time and place, can make us. Enough theology and apologies to those who find religious stuff offensive. The E-gram has spiritual roots. I think you are a lovely person Cory. Don't be too quick to decide you've found all the answers at 19 or whatever. You say you are now having depression every day; well I used to have depression all day every day. I used to cry all day, every day for years really. I would be sitting in front of the computer at work and suddenly realise there were tears running down my face and have to go and hide in the toilets. All my earliest memories are of humiliation. yet I don't feel negative. Even though I've just been chucked out of a teacher training course for the second time, have rowed with my best friend, and given up my soul-mate. There is always learning, there are always connections, there is still the journey and we can make it less tiring by letting go a bit and giving ourselves a break. I call it picnicking with God. We sit down a while by the still waters and relax. Maybe with fellow travellers. We drink a glass of wine and share some bread. We allow our souls to be calmed and quieted. I tell you what Cory, if you were a few years older, I'd go out with you. Even if you were all cold and reserved, because I know you have a soft, warm interior. Try melting a little. Being truly authentic isn't so scary if you go all the way. it's our defenses that make us tense up and harm our bodies and souls. I'm still damn glad I broke that glass and let go of my anger. If I see Jonathan again I'll show him your message, as an example of one who is a real traveller. Welcome back to the Kingdom of Fourdom, where everyone is royalty. As E.M. Forster said, "Only connect". Love and hopes,
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