Posted by Don't Dream It's Over (220.127.116.11) on May 28, 2003 at 09:41:05:
I need some place to ventilate, and this is where I feel most people can understand me. I feel at a terrible loss right now.
I'm afraid that I might spend the rest of my life single, alone and in solitude. Why? Plenty of reasons. In the 19 years that I've been here, I have come to realise that I am unusually sensitive for a guy, and very emotionally driven. Every relationship I have tried for I have committed myself to an ideal even before it began, to a dream that would remain as that, a dream. I feel cheap, because every person that I have gone for I have given her my heart even before knowing her well. Yet I find myself continually doing so, and continually I face failure, regret and deepfelt sorrow. It hurts, but I can't stop myself.
And most of the time the commitment I give is so great at the beginning I run the risk of becoming obsessed over the other. I worry about everything; from a simple passing comment to maybe a person's every actions. It sickens me, and it brings me to such a level of despair that never once has it not caused an outcome that only caused me more pain and suffering because of the amount of heart and soul I have placed in pursuing the ideal.
Yet I remain hopelessly romantic. I hope that one day, just one day I might meet someone and everything about the situation the picture paints will be perfect. It is this ideal that makes my life so hard to live with right now, but I keep holding on to that special dream.
It's tough being me, and sometimes I wish I could do something to make myself worry less. I'm at odd's end; I had decided before that I would not take too much heart into affairs of the heart, but I never seem to be able to do that. Maybe I am destined for a life of singlehood.
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