Posted by N.W. on June 26, 1998 at 17:11:14:
In Reply to: Re: One more thing...for Derf posted by Lauren on June 10, 1998 at 10:05:39:
Anyone who tries to support a depressed friend needs a lot of support themselves--it is very exhausting. Sometimes we'd like to think that if we waved the magic wand of love and support, everything would work out. It doesn't happen that way. We only wind up resenting the person when s/he doesn't react the way we want them to. What is wrong with them? Why can't they pull up their socks? Pretty soon we start rejecting and blaming the person we were trying to help. It is very hard and a strain on a friendship. It also feels like a rejection of us when the person asks us for help and support, and then refuses the support that we do give because it isn't enough. This sort of thing breaks friendships and drives the helpers insane. Moral of the story: never counsel a depressed or troubled friend? But each of us has the right (and the responsibility) for working out their own answers. Supporting someone isn't always about giving advice or doing things for them. We can make suggestions (see a doctor, go get counselling, etc.), but the decisions are ultimately up to them. Support is sometimes about listening, not making judgments, remembering to take care of yourself while you are listening to someone else who needs to be listened to and believed. But even a depressed person deserves to be treated with enough respect to find his or her own answers. I don't know--in my experience, giving a depressed person loads of advice and favours doesn't tend to be helpful. It just wears out the caregiver. A lot of people think that support means taking over for someone. Maybe that's the distinction between someone who's Judging and someone who's Perceiving. I tend to like the open-ended stuff (Perceiving), so maybe I have the patience to lend an ear when needed. My trouble with all of this is that sometimes I'm too patient, and then I wind up being taken advantage of. It takes some time to know my limits (and set them)! Anyway, I guess I'm sort of rambling. This question hits home with me, too, and it's really sort of illuminating to read about how others have felt used and hurt by a depressed friend who needed help but demanded too much.