Posted by Me ;-) on June 28, 1998 at 23:12:16:
I want to thank you all with your messages and just for being a 4.
Knowing and hearing these kind of things are a great help. I feel much better, yet my EGO has dropped a bit. Maybe it was fake anyway..
Here's some more garbage coming out of my hands.
I'm a 4. I'm a number, that's a new thing. I like to be by myself. I trust myself and my knowledge. However, I'm 16. I need to maintain my social life. But I'm having trouble with the simlpe things, like saying hi or just showing interest in someone. I'm glad if I can remember their name. I mean, when you have a serieus talk with some one, they fall for you, but I can't be supervicious. Some people say I judge to fast. But can't they see through the person? Or they say I'm rude. But what is nice ? Faking you're interested in them?. I like to be on my own, but a social life is a need also. Not just because they have and I don't. I mean, sometimes you need to tell your story to some one. Howcome adults are so much easier to handle, so much predictable and safe ? I mean, adults are easy to manipulate (positively meant). You know what the person thinks of you by whatever he or she does. It makes it easy. People my ages, are all to self-centred. If they like some1 or not is usually a very low priority. And I like beauty. Music, Cult-movies, I could even enjoy just looking to the water here at nights. And all complex thinking can be trained with programming, which can always get more complex and more innovative. I mean, you make up things when you're in a some sort of spacy mood, and when you look back at it later, you are suprised you could come up with what you have made. My only way to escape all this is to be understand it all, and I do, it all makes sence, how people are, what the world is like. But I've just done this test, and read the results. I get this weird warm feeling in my stumach. Seeing your posts, and the problems. It is like a hole is filled. But not all news is great. I now know most of what I think of myself is a lie. Made up to protect myself. My superego. Where did this arrogance come from, and this ego-centric feeling we all have.. (or else we wouldn't be here, would we?)
My point is, question yourself it is not just another lie, to avoid confrontation with things you don't know how to handle. I can not tell you if this is the case or not. But its like all people-knowledge (I dunno the English word.. direct Dutch translation), it comes from knowing yourself. However, we never look at ourselves do we? That is something all types have in common. They're scared to see who they really are. Cuz, I really don't know anymore. For the first time in my life, I can not outsmart it. I can not have a final say. Finally, I have been analyzed, like I analyze everybody.
Now, we're at it anyway, howcome I want the inevitable to happen. I mean, I always let the worst-case-scenario come true. I have no discipline what-so-ever. I mean, I can not brainwash myself to put school or social life on 1. The 1st priority is to make a priority list. All my life I could choose, I thought. But it wasn't a choice. I just choose something practical and then I commited to that. Opinions I defend while I no longer support them. Do I ever question myself?
People ask simple things, expect simple answers. Get a universe lasting definition, or a point-of-view much deeper than they can actually handle. Yep, I felt lonely until these messages. I felt unique. It wasn't an urge, it was feeling. And now I know I'm not, it feels much better actually. Is this really my desire?
To be honest, I think this will change my life, but I've been known by myself for wishfull thinking. So, never know. But I have a lot more guts lately.
It seems the lower I sink, the more depressed I get, the stronger I get. Yet, my fantasies are wild. Any one of you ever went into a trance or spacy mood without the use of alcohol or any other drug. Well, with music I suppose. It happens to me, after I stayed up for a day or two, and I've been playing Unreal, or have been chatting about 4 - 6 hours. Any1 eveyr experienced such a self-trance ?
Ah.. enough anyway.
If you want to talk to me, just click my name or message me with ICQ: 9389920
I like 4's although rereading my message I regret that I don't sound as friendly as most of you, but English is not my native language. It's all mean with a big ;-) Jeez, such a message is an ego-centric thing..
Thanx for reading, I appreciate that.
--Ralf