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Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive Re: Hi everyone......!Posted by Ev on October 15, 1999 at 17:47:03: In Reply to: Hi everyone......! posted by Summer on October 15, 1999 at 16:55:33:
: : Something's on my mind actually, and I'll put it to out there to you. How do you fours deal with a comment that has hurt you deeply, even if it wasn't intended to hurt you? Someone close to me has told me something that hurt so much, I'm having trouble sleeping at night. It has set off a whole load of insecurities and pain inside me, and of course much of it also has to do with how it's affecting my ego. : The person who said it now recognizes it was a stupid thing to say, and now understands why I was so devastated by it, even though I did have to explain why. The problem is, I am having a very difficult time letting it go. I keeps playing it over and over in my head, and it is like torture. It's not like I want to do this to myself. I wish I could just have some kind of memory loss & never have heard it in the first place. But it was said, and I can't make it disappear. It has caused me a great deal of anxiety & even affected the way I feel about this person, which is the last thing I want it to do. Really. : Do other fours have experiences with things like this? How do you deal with it? When does the damn pain stop? These are the times I wish desperately that I was not so sensitive. This is definitely not the most fun part of being a four. : So, you guys, what say you??? Hello Summer, It's great to hear from you! Sorry that you're having a hard time sorting your problem out. BTW, is there *any* chance that you could start us off solving an easier one? This one is a bit of a doozy. :) Let's see, how to forget something you've heard that has hurt you? Bad news, it can't be done. How to make peace with yourself *and* your friend after hearing the remark is all you're left with. Depending upon what was said, this can have varying degrees of difficulty. Since you've said that you are devastated, and that you care for this person and don't want the relationship to suffer, I would surmise that this could fall into the difficult category. That is, unless you choose to not let it screw with your mind. Believe it or not, you *have* the power to choose how you respond and to a lesser degree how you feel about it. If the other person has seen the error of their ways and tried to make amends, you should *believe they are sincere* and forgive them. The only way I've ever been able to do this is to "discount" my feelings and realize that I either *have* to get past this or forever be alienated from my friend. Try to put youself in their shoes and understand how they could have made such a statement in the first place. It could very well be that they had faulty information to work with. It could be that you were sending signals they were failing to pick up on. It could be that the moon has entered a new house on someone's astrological chart. :) What I'm trying to say, in ten thousand words or less, is that they could have made the remark for about a million different reasons. We, meaning the tender 4 receiving such treatment, tend to always attribute their remark to the worst possible motives. We also tend to see perceived slights as full frontal attacks upon ourselves. It could be that 4's just take things too damned seriously. Is it possible that the world will still spin 'round even if the slight can't be forgotten? Yes, *if* you choose to get past the hurt. It may take time, it may feel strange being around them for awhile, you may even start to wonder if you can make it, but you can. Good luck, in whatever course you choose. Ev
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