Re: Hi everyone......!

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: : Hello Summer, : : It's great to hear from you! Sorry that you're having a hard time sorting your problem out. BTW, is there *any* chance that you could start us off solving an easier one? This one is a bit of a doozy. :) : : Let's see, how to forget something you've heard that has hurt you? Bad news, it can't be done. How to make peace with yourself *and* your friend after hearing the remark is all you're left with. Depending upon what was said, this can have varying degrees of difficulty. Since you've said that you are devastated, and that you care for this person and don't want the relationship to suffer, I would surmise that this could fall into the difficult category. That is, unless you choose to not let it screw with your mind. Believe it or not, you *have* the power to choose how you respond and to a lesser degree how you feel about it. : : If the other person has seen the error of their ways and tried to make amends, you should *believe they are sincere* and forgive them. The only way I've ever been able to do this is to "discount" my feelings and realize that I either *have* to get past this or forever be alienated from my friend. Try to put youself in their shoes and understand how they could have made such a statement in the first place. It could very well be that they had faulty information to work with. It could be that you were sending signals they were failing to pick up on. It could be that the moon has entered a new house on someone's astrological chart. :) What I'm trying to say, in ten thousand words or less, is that they could have made the remark for about a million different reasons. We, meaning the tender 4 receiving such treatment, tend to always attribute their remark to the worst possible motives. We also tend to see perceived slights as full frontal attacks upon ourselves. It could be that 4's just take things too damned seriously. Is it possible that the world will still spin 'round even if the slight can't be forgotten? Yes, *if* you choose to get past the hurt. It may take time, it may feel strange being around them for awhile, you may even start to wonder if you can make it, but you can. : : Good luck, in whatever course you choose. : : Ev : I can certainly see how it's easier to feel better if someone is sincerely sorry for something they said or did that upset you. But I'm not sure if this is how I experience it. I also know that we need to be able to forgive people who do not have this awareness. And the important thing to remember is that forgiveness is not something we do for the person who has wronged us--we do it for ourselves, to free ourselves from exactly these painful feelings. : A friend of mine has commented numerous times that I have very little ego, and seemingly no defense mechanisms. She's made these comments after she has said something that hurt me, and I responded to her in a loving, caring way. It's certainly not that I didn't feel hurt--I'm as sensitive as any other 4 in that regard. But what I saw was how much pain she was in--something had hurt her that made her lash out at me. I've experienced the same thing with other people as well, most notably my father, who hurt me a great deal when I was growing up. I've come to see how much he struggled with (and still does) that didn't allow him to act in any better way. Some of the hurt is still there sometimes, but I've largely been able to forgive him. : I find that this process can be very healing. Seeing the hurt in others while you're hurt is healing all by itself. And it is absolutely wonderful when you can bring yourself to respond to them with caring and kindness, to know that you've provided healing for another, especially someone you care about. I've also found that this often leads to a positive response from them, which helps to heal the relationship, and allows it to continue to grow. : Ideally, we would be able to respond this way with no regard for the outcome--to just respond with kindness because we care and want to help. But I do know how difficult it is to forget how you feel in the midst of this, but I find that I feel the best about it when I am able to focus on the other person, and just be there for him or her. It's ironic that we feel best when we truly let go of our own feelings. : - Hal -

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