Re: Feeling threatened by others

Posted by Ralf Nieuwenhuijsen on July 30, 1998 at 18:08:14:

In Reply to: Feeling threatened by others posted by Devora-Leah on April 15, 1998 at 12:28:50:

: I'm looking for a little validation from other Fours who might feel the same way. I find myself often feeling threatened by other types, I think particularly 3's and 8's. They come on so strong in their self-confidence and even self-aggrandisement. An incident at work yesterday is the perfect case in point. I am the lead technical writer on a project. We just hired a new writer, Lori, who will work on the same project. A co-worker brought Lori by my office to introduce her to me. The first thing she said was, "Oh, I heard you're the lead and go to the core team meetings, but they [the team] still come to Jane for decisions!" Jane was the lead before, but since she is busy with other projects, I moved into that position. Well, I guess Lori felt she had to put me in my place within the first 30 seconds of meeting me! I sort of wimpily and self-deprecatingly (to my own consternation) tried to explain that I am still quite new to the company, which is why Jane has much more expertise in making decisions. But it didn't really matter what I said -- I already felt very inferior. Lori spent the rest of the conversation managing to point out all the professional awards she has won. I just wanted to vomit! Besides that, I wanted to run away and hide. I just can't deal with such in-your-face kind of people. I have very little Three and just can't tolerate pretension. I'm not very good at political games and I tend not to answer back. As an introverted Four with a Five wing, I get very quiet and nervous around them. Any tips for alleviating my discomfort?

Yes. Here are some 'manipulation' tricks I use to handle these kind of persons. First of all, your answers should never be excuses. Whenever something like this occurs (over)-act being annoyed and dominant. The you're-lucky-I-bother-to-correct-you-on-this. In other words: You want to correct what she heard, not explain! She heard they still go to 'Jane' for decisions. An effective response could be: 'I might allow you to do that too' See ??! You 'corrected' her thinking that she could 'overrule' you. You pointed out you 'overrule' her. THough you both never said so ;-)

Secondly, the awards thing. If something is pretensious, you know it, she knows it and all co-workers now it. The key is to let them know you know it too, without actually saying it. Be 'extremely' interesting in her awards. Ask her all kinds of almost-silly things. The co-workers, they know you, they'll know you are not being serious. They will therefor know that you too find it pretentious. And you keep asking more silly questions about her awards. And sugjest more silly things up until a point, even she can figure out you're joking with her. Then you take the lead. You keep talking, and make sure its about something she doesnt know nothing about. Chances are she'll try to get back at you, by 'correcting' you. Give her a few seemingly obvious situations and she'll bite, and you can finish her off.

This might sound cruell, but if some one is a nice person you dont feel the need to use these things anyway, otherwise, just analyze the situation and know that your co-workers will usually think the same, though not always feel the same about it. Whatever you notice, so do most of your co-workers. THe trick is to make it a public annoucement.

: Sorry this is so long -- it's a weakness of mine to write too much!

Why would it be a weakness ?
Oh well, good luck, and I hope you find these tricks usefull. If any one else has any tricks like this (preferbly a real 8 or 3), I would love to hear them, there are just too many people out there you need to 'verbally' defend yourself against.

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