Re: Wow, gotta same some more sorry

Posted by Lauren on August 11, 1998 at 02:07:25:

In Reply to: Re: Wow, gotta same some more sorry posted by Hal on August 10, 1998 at 11:22:30:

: : Woahhh- just read a lot of the other posts and I'm dumbfounded- practically
: : everything <---- is exactly how I feel- Also, wanted to thank Ann for that
: : Shyness page- it looks like it may help a lot-
: : Not to sure as to what to say- except I'm 15 and been in a couple relationships and I need some input-
: : I'm thinking I'm too idealistic and vulnerable in relationships- do u guys feel that way? Is there hope out there
: : to find some guy who understands? I've always been attracted to the opposite of me, and then it seems
: : they can't understand anything- would it work to have "4" relationship? Or would we turn out to be a couple of
: : losers who depressed eachother- usually I'm pretty outgoing w/ close friends but extremely shy w/
: : people I don't know- just wanted some input- thaaank u
: : also just wanted to say all u guys rock-

: Lauren,

: Thank you for the kind words. We 4's need that pat on the back (or a hug) from time to time, but you already knew that.

: I'm a guy who understands, but then I'm a fellow 4. And the more immediate question for you is if there are any guys in high-school who understand. I'd have to be optimistic and say that yes, there are. But there are not many of them, you won't find them at parties or the popular hang-out places, and they're probably too shy and insecure to ask you out. I know it's little consolation to you now, but once you get out of school, people in "the real world" are a little better. I recently met someone who told me "you're not like anyone I've ever met"--and she meant it as a compliment. High-school is often much more harsh on people who don't fit the mold.

: I don't think you're being too idealistic in relationships--none of us will be happy if we settle for someone who is not a good match and has no chance of understanding us. But at the same time, we can't expect someone to be exactly like us or to understand everything we think and feel. What we can do is be happy with the way WE are in the relationship by being as genuine and true to ourselves as possible; be real, not some phony persona you put on out of a fear of rejection.

: And about feeling vulnerable, it's this fear of rejection or not being loved or understood that drives us to put on that false persona. And then we feel vulnerable because we're afraid of what will happen if we drop the mask and let our true self show through. I've found that I'm much more satisfied with my friendships and relationships if I'm real right from the start. Not everyone appreciates it, and some don't even like me because of it, but those people never would have been good friends for me, and certainly wouldn't have led to a satisfying relationship.

: About a "4" relationship, I've never experienced it myself, but there are some other messages here that suggest it won't work very well. So maybe I should change my response about finding guys who understand--the 4's won't be found among the popular people, but some undertanding types may be. And they may not be afraid to ask you out, but they probably wouldn't have considered it either. So it still requires an effort on your part to find those who understand and get to know them--again in a "real" kind of way, not in the sense of playing a social game just to get noticed. And yes, I know this is extremely difficult and uncomfortable for a 4.

: The best advice I think I can give is to try not to become fixated on how different (in ways you see as bad) you are from everyone else, but to accept the wonderful things about being different. Embrace you 4-ness, and the great depth of feeling and understanding that comes with it. When you can truly love yourself, it's much easier for others to love you.

: Now I'm off to try to take some of my own advice...

: - Hal -
Hal---
wow, just wanted to say thank u so much for the much needed advice. I will definitely put it to good use! 4-ness IS definitely something to be cherished, but also something to keep under control. Also, high school is definitely a hard place for me to find people to have a good, real, relationship with. Hopefully I'll get lucky :-) I do know of some guys who do seem like
good "prospects" <----hehe I know that sounds bad. It's taken a long time for me not to always get caught up in the "jocks" and popular guys because they are so easy to approach- but in the long run could never work- and now I see people behind the woodwork who are so incredibly awesome but no one would ever know until they got to know them and I think that's what all
us "4's" hope to find- someone who sees us for what we are, and searches us out. Maybe also because that takes the pressure off of us also. I dunno- I'm still workin on it :-)
thanx for the incredible follow up.
-Lauren

Follow Ups:

• Re: Wow, gotta same some more sorry Hal 09:43:55 8/11/98 (1)
  • Re: Wow, gotta same some more sorry Cali 14:07:44 8/11/98 (0)

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