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Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive Re: Hi Hal - relationshipsPosted by Hal on August 14, 1998 at 13:11:59: In Reply to: Hi Hal - relationships posted by summer on August 14, 1998 at 11:48:53: : Hal, I noticed you mentioned you were looking for a good relationship. Do you think that the push/pull tendancies of a four still control you to some degree? I myself have been dating alot lately, but I'm still single. Most of the men I have met over the last couple of years I have not felt that special 'tingle' with. The couple that I did ended up being not good for me. (I can think of 2 3w4 wing types that ended up being a big disappointment.) : Perhaps I have not met people who are healthy enough. There is a website called www.whatmenwant.com based on a book written by 3 professional single men. It's about dating & relationships. There are discussion threads that you might find interesting. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by the "push/pull tendencies of a four" (please explain...) but I'll take a crack at answering anyway. Yes, I believe that many 4 tendencies still control me to a large degree. The one that first comes to mind (and one that was mentioned in the discussion threads on the what men want site) is a fear of commitment. Just a couple of weeks ago, I realized that I really am afraid to commit; I always thought that I wasn't because a close relationship is what I've always wanted. But this isn't even just about relationships. It all comes from the 4 fear of missing out on something better. As a result, I often try to keep my schedule open, just in case something great comes up. And I'm reluctant to volunteer to do things for fear that the time commitment won't leave any time for things I want to do. As a result, I have too often spend weekends alone with nothing to do--I've sabotaged many of my efforts to get close to people out of fear of losing myself or what I think I want. From my perspective, this site you pointed me to has a lot of messages (wow, are there a lot of messages!) from people trying to figure out the games that men play, and how to "beat them at their own game," so to speak. I am so tired of playing all these social games, and am finally facing my fear of being open and honest, and just being myself in my friendships and relationships. Finding people who are comfortable without the games seems to be difficult, and I get angry at myself when I fall back into playing them. It is certainly possible that you've been meeting people who are not healthy enough. Or maybe the people you're attracted to are types that you just couldn't have a good relationship with. For example, opposites may attract, but they don't necessarily get along well, and they probably don't understand each other. Please explain what you meant by the push/pull thing, and if I've come anywhere close to answering your question. I'd like to continue this discussion. - Hal -
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