|
Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive Re: What feelings are real during push/pull?Posted by Hal on September 02, 1998 at 13:15:13: In Reply to: Re: What feelings are real during push/pull? posted by Summer on September 02, 1998 at 11:47:12: : I have gone through the same feelings many times too numerous to mention. All I can suggest is that when you get the urge to completely break it off - don't. Sleep on it. You can air your feelings, but try doing it gently, as I have often found that if I am too harsh, I deeply regret it the next day. : The next day, if you STILL feel like breaking up, you can. But in all probability, you won't. I have found postponing rash decisions helps me alot - in all circumstances. There have been a few times at my job (which I don't love) I have wanted to say, that's it, goodbye, I don't need this. But I have thanked God that I didn't do that - I would have really regretted it. : By the way, I think that all your feelings are legitimate. It's just that some are more fleeting than others. I agree with Summer wholeheartedly. I'm probably not the best one to give relationship advice since I haven't had much experience, but I wanted to add my two cents worth. First of all, all feelings are "real". Whether they come out of the basic fears of a 4 is another question. There is nothing wrong with us for having these feelings, but having them doesn't automatically force us to act on them in a predetermined way. It's at this point, in the "heat of the moment," that it's most difficult for us to be objective (moving to 1) but also the most necessary. I think that putting off the decision for a while is an excellent idea. My psychologist gave me the same advice for dealing with a particular high-pressure sales situation in which I caved in and regretted my behavior and the results. Avoid making decisions when you're overcome by emotions and not really sure what you're feeling. Expressing your feelings is important too, and if the relationship is with someone who can "take it" and respond well, I'm sure it makes it a lot easier. But in any case, don't express yourself in an angry, blaming way--tell (and show) the other person how you feel, but don't make it a personal attack on them. Very few people will respond well to an attack, and getting "revenge" in this way will probably not satisfy you; it never did for me. Almost more important than the outcome of any of this is the way you feel about how YOU did--be true to yourself. I think the best advice I have is to try to operate from a place of love and not a place of fear. Many of a 4's emotions come our of fear, and when we express these, they can come out angry and manipulative. Try to find the love in your heart, for the other person, and especially for youself; real self love is one of the most difficult things we 4's have to do. And a question I find we should always be asking ourselves in situations like these is "What am I so afraid of?" - Hal -
|
|