Re: Soliciting advice

Posted by Hal on October 05, 1998 at 15:57:54:

In Reply to: Soliciting advice posted by Jeseppy on October 04, 1998 at 00:47:32:

: 1. What is the best approach to take if I do decide to talk to him?

The best approach is to go in with an open mind and an open heart. Before (and during) the conversation, feel the love you have for him, not the anger and fear. I think it's important to not go in blaming him for what happened. Even if you're only thinking this in your mind and don't express it, it will come out in body language or emotion and sabotage the meeting. It would be best, of course, if you both went in without any blame, but you can't control his atittude, so just work on your own.

: 2. Would you be able to trust this person if he were your friend?

That's a tough one. I have a similar situation with a large group of friends right now. I have felt terribly rejected by them for most of this summer, and they are now welcoming me back. I'm not really sure if I trust them as I used to, and I find myself questioning if they really are the great friends I thought they were--if so, how could they have caused me so much pain? But I'll never know if I don't go back to them with an open attitude and see.

: 3. Is there any point in talking if we both seem to be stubborn in our opinions? I think it may give him closure--but for the past few months, I have had a sort of closure. One of my friends suggested that if closure is the only thing he wants, I should not meet him, as it will put me in an awkward position and leave me even more vulnerable.

I don't see much point if you're both stubborn, and not much point if even one of you is stubborn. Stubbornness indicates that there is still anger and fear present, which tends to close you up and make understanding nearly impossible. It's a difficult position, but there is a need to clearly state your position and your feelings without being angry about them or blaming each other for them.

I hate to write off such a deep firendship, but I agree with your friend that if closure is the only thing at stake, it won't help to meet. My guess is that if either of you go in angry, no one will get any closure, not even your friend. In similar confrontations I've had, I have always left feeling empty when I expected I would get closure. I may have definitively removed myself from the situation, but the wounds remained, and remained sore for a long time to come. It's hard to tell if both you and he are ready to stop blaming and talk, but if you're not, perhaps you should wait a little longer. It may come with time and further reflection.

- Hal -

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