Satsang

Posted by Donald on October 10, 1998 at 15:41:35:

My Friends,

Thank you for being here. This is my first visit.

Two nights ago I went to Satsang with the respected teacher, Catherine Ingram. I’m new to sitting on cushions and can’t do the full lotus position or even the half lotus, so I was very uncomfortable. Yet there was a deep sense of silence and peace. And then a delayed reaction. For the last two days I’ve been very weepy. From a position of silence and peace I’ve seen something of the ego structure, and it’s starting to crumble. Shall I believe in this nonsense? Well you’re familiar with it, the self-referencing, the self talk:

"I’ve been a wallflower all my life. Another night alone! ‘Do you think anyone could ever love you?’ No. No one ever has. Well, my sons. But not a woman. ‘Why not?’ Well, I’m not attractive enough, I don’t have the sparkle. Let’s face it, nothing is going to change me into Mel Gibson. There was Judy. She discarded me. She used me as a convenience, and I gave my heart. She abandoned me. And I am abandoned. I’m alone. Four walls. No one can feel my pain. No one wants to be in my space. I’ve been factored out of the human equation. I live in the shadows, a twisted freak who can never be more that a spectator of life. Forever outside, a leper among the wedding guests."

And on and on. The mind. This crazy river or regrets and longing, clamoring, clinging, judging. Can this nonsense come to an end, and can one fall into the Heart of Love, into the Pure Land? This is the question which I’m now investigating.

You know what I’m talking about. You know what it is to be alone, you know what it’s like to live in the shadows. You have so much love and compassion, yet you lack another to share yourself with. It’s a pretty hard thing. And yet, I think because we are desperate, I think this is why we are candidates for enlightenment, candidates for Grace.

My pain has brought me to a point where I’m ready to jump into the Heart of Love. I pray that this burden will be lifted from me, that I will no longer look for love, but that I will BE love. This is the Pure Land. As Thich Nhat Hanh says, "There is no way to peace. Peace is the way."

My friends, I know your pain, I know how desperate is your desire to love and be loved, and I know the solitude, the loneliness, the despair. But I also know what it’s like to be alive in the moment, with the mind in abeyance. I have tasted the sugar. It is such bliss, to be alive and empty.

Namaste,
Donald

Follow Ups:

• Re: Satsang mary faith 20:45:02 10/10/98 (3)
  • Re: Satsang Donald 13:39:28 10/11/98 (2)
    • Re: Satsang Hal 15:56:36 10/12/98 (1)
      • Re: Satsang Donald 19:35:19 10/12/98 (0)

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