Posted by Ronnie on December 01, 1999 at 17:16:35:
In Reply to: Re: K, the satirical point of your message posted by Hal on December 01, 1999 at 08:21:10:
: Ronnie, what is it that you're hostile and angry about? I'm sure everyone will freely give you a list of things to "do", but changing your actions won't ultimately help without knowing why you act and feel the way you do. I've found that it all really comes down to fear, which can come out as anger, hostility, depression, or a million other things. So the first question to ask yourself is, "what am I so afraid of?"
: - Hal -
The "to do" lists are endless. Using them is like replacing a fuse when it goes out all the time--you're fixing the symptom, not the reason.
I do know it's about fear, and I have some ideas what the fears are. Fears of being used, taken advantage of, ending up hurt, damaged and ignored.
Being angry is easy. It forces others to listen to, take notice of and acknowledge you. When you steam on about something, you know people know you're not just an easy bite, someone they can do whatever they please with. Whenever you display vunerabilities and insecurites to someone, show that you actually are very delicate and sensitive, it's like giving a loaded gun to that person. The question is, can you trust him/her? Will that person remove the magazine and take the bullet out of the chamber or shoot you?
When I was a kid, I always had to be on guard. Other, usually bigger kids coming over to you and asking pretty ominiously "Whered'ya live?" When bicycling, someone deliberately coming at me and saying it was my fault--and getting some friends to back that up. Getting my face smeared with rancid butter as a welcome. Being snowballed (with small, icy balls just to get the message through) by a gang of 4 older kids just because they didn't like my face. I knew that whatever I'd do, I'd be overpowered, so I just learned that being tough and not letting a single emotion come through made you pretty much safe. If you maintained a solid poker face, you were left alone. Get a punch in the nose? Just stare at the guy straight in the eyes and you can be pretty sure that's all he dares to do.
I become territorial. As long as I wasn't bothered, I bothered no one. As I grew up to this size I'm now (pretty fast), I was left alone anyway. Then the surroundings changed and I did too, but I don't know how much, really.
Anyway, as I mentioned eariler, my fears are basically about being attacked for showing weakness. It's not general mistrust, I trust people in normal interaction and everyday life. Being open is difficult, expressing feelings exposes you. In my general worldview I don't expect to find much true caring and love in people. If someone wants to get close to me, I'm sure it's because I have something that others need, not because I'd be interesting as a person alone. I find it very hard to believe when people say I'm nice or loveable or whatever. I just can't see why it would be so.
Ok, that's what I got out now...
Ronnie