Posted by Ronnie on December 02, 1999 at 04:14:24:
In Reply to: Re: Fears posted by Tiggy on December 01, 1999 at 21:12:40:
: Would you say then that that behaviour that you learned to protect yourself when you were a kid is something still pertinent to your situation? I mean, as a kid it helped you to survive, but do you need it now to survive? I guess it probably upset you a lot when your friends got beaten up recently, as it reminded you of what an unsafe place the world can be.
Ronnie: The thing is, I'm not sure if I need it or not. If I could say "I don't", it would be easier to change. What happened with my friends...well, I think it was a result of something happening between the attackers and them. However, that little can be so little that most people wouldn't pay any attention to it. I think recognizing people who just want to fight is usually pretty easy.
: You weren't being attacked for showing weakness before as a child, but for being smaller/younger and one on their own. It wasn't the same as showing allowing emotional vulnerability to show through with people you know, or being open about the things that matter to you. You're not dealing with the same people anyway. Though maybe some of the people at university are still like thuggish little boys!
Ronnie: I was being attacked because the other kids were children of very unhealthy, often alcoholic and abusive parents and I was the obvious target. Lonely, smaller, recently moved in and so on. Although from my point of view that really doesn't matter, because my experience told me not showing emotional vunerability was the best defense.
I'm not dealing with the same people, but who says the people I interact with now aren't similar? They don't seem to be and especially not at the university, no way. First of all the thuggish types rarely go to the high school and matriculate from there, which is the first requirement and then the threshold to the university is high, it requires too much. What was difficult there for me was that everone seemed to be honestly polite. No loudmouths, bragging, "being-the-loudest-gets-you-heard". I felt like a fish out of water, really. I find it strange that people actually listen to you readily. Furthermore, it would be so attractive to be open myself, but...
It seems most of the people are fives or fours.
: : "I don't expect to find much true caring and love in people. If someone wants to get close to me, I'm sure it's because I have something that others need"
: What sort of thing? I would assume it's because they like your company.
: I think you're interesting. I like talking to you. You're very clever and knowledgeable and there are some people who like that, and wouldn't you prefer the company of those people?
Ronnie: Yes, I would, but it seems I scare people away before I get a chance for exchanging a word. When, in the other opposite, are people who say they prefer my company, it's so surprising I don't know what to think about it. If it was for some other reason than "You're so nice" it would be easier to understand, but as most people run away when I get near, it just seems so paradoxical.
: I can't see why it wouldn't be so. I think you're nice, though I can imagine having lots of arguments with you in a brotherly/sisterly fashion!
: I think we both like arguing, and giving people hard stares - like Paddington Bear. I noticed when I first saw your photo, your suspicious stare. It looks like a parody of a hostile stare, but with a glint of humour in your eyes.
Ronnie: Suspicious stare? I was smiling, goddammit! *L*
: I'm the opposite of that actually. I can never understand why someone wouldn't like me! Really. I think I'm lovable and cute and should be allowed to get away with most things cos I'm a princess.
Ronnie: And it was easy for you to tell what your type is, wasn't it?
Ronnie