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Reality at Midnight

Reality at Midnight

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Posted by Emily on December 08, 1999 at 01:56:10:

It's midnight here, but I don't want to go to sleep. I'm afraid of being hit in the face with reality when I wake up. I think whats-her-name from the Blair Witch Project said it best..."I'm too scared to close my eyes, but I'm afraid of what I'll see if I open them."

So, what happens when I don't want to face reality, but I don't want to continue living in an illusion that my life is on track?

Right now, in school, people are all buzzing about college. Everywhere, it's something about college, about finding a career, about a post-high school education. And there I am, in the middle of all the fuss, confused and lost, not knowing which direction to go. Classic P, eh? Seeing all the Choices, but not being able to make one. This is why I wish I were a J sometimes.

I don't have any idea what I want to do...I know that I want to go to college, but I don't know when. I am Extremely afraid of it at the same time, and I don't know where to go--do I want to go away for school and become more independent or stay at home where I feel semi-safe?

To top it off, most applications are due at the end of the month. My mom is pressuring me to decide, saying i need to "get on the ball" (god i hate it when she says that). My college counselor guy thinks I should just jump right in, instead of waiting a year. Everytime my family sees me, they ask if I've made any choices about what I'm doing.

But I don't know. I suppose I really don't know all that much after all.

And then there's Cory. No matter where I go, or when I go, I want to go there with him. I think it would be comforting, to say the least, to wade through the dark waters of uncertainty with someone just as scared as I am, helping each other avoid the hidden monsters and creatures lurking on the ocean floor. But he doesn't know what he wants any better than I do.

I just want it all to stop, I want this pressure and uncertainty to fade, and I want to fall asleep everyday at midnight with Cory's arms lost in mine, unafraid of closing my eyes, and wake up not to a harsh slap in the face, but my cat snuggled contently against my cheek.

But that's too much to ask.

-Emily, the avoidant, depressive, romantic Four

"Nothing is more sad than the death of an illusion." - Arthur Koestler

Follow Ups:

Thinking about it... Julian 16:48:32 12/10/99 (0)
Re: Reality at Midnight Julian 16:27:34 12/08/99 (7)
- Re: Reality at Midnight Emily 19:31:41 12/08/99 (6)
  - Re: Reality at Midnight Ryan 21:14:09 12/08/99 (0)
  - Cool, I have some years left yet... Karen 20:53:52 12/08/99 (4)
    - You could use them as babysitters - would you trust those two with your kids?! NT Tiggy. 15:32:55 12/09/99 (0)
    - Where are ya', Karen? Emily [nt] 21:11:03 12/08/99 (2)
      - UNC-Chapel Hill Karen 11:49:54 12/09/99 (1)
        
        Re: UNC-Chapel Hill Karen 11:56:21 12/09/99 (0)
Re: Reality at Midnight Ev 13:11:22 12/08/99 (2)
- Re: Reality at Midnight Emily 19:37:56 12/08/99 (1)
  - Well I had to give ya the party line. :) Ev...but an echo of others 22:21:00 12/08/99 (0)
Re: Reality at Midnight Tiggy. 10:19:56 12/08/99 (2)
- Re: Reality at Midnight Emily 19:43:13 12/08/99 (1)
  - Re: Reality at Midnight Ryan 21:20:44 12/08/99 (0)
Re: Reality at Midnight Amanda :) 09:45:40 12/08/99 (2)
- Re: Reality at Midnight Emily 20:06:34 12/08/99 (1)
  - "....but...." bursts bubbles! Amanda :) 09:37:56 12/09/99 (0)
Re: Reality at Midnight Jeffrey 07:24:28 12/08/99 (0)
Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try. Zuihitsu 06:10:58 12/08/99 (1)
- Re: Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try. Emily 20:10:50 12/08/99 (0)
Being on the ball Matches 03:04:36 12/08/99 (9)
- Re: Being on the ball Hal 08:55:06 12/08/99 (8)
  - Alone is a state of mind Matches 10:12:53 12/08/99 (7)
    - Alone, Solitude, Loneliness Brian C. 21:02:38 12/08/99 (6)
      - Thanks Julian 16:35:24 12/10/99 (0)
      - Thank you for your understanding Brian, it lifts the burden a little NT Tiggy 18:57:00 12/09/99 (0)
      - Re: Alone, Solitude, Loneliness Hal 08:52:32 12/09/99 (3)
        
        I think we never internalised acceptance. NT Tiggy 18:58:42 12/09/99 (0)
        
        short response Brian C. 14:30:52 12/09/99 (1)
        
        Re: short response Hal 15:20:52 12/09/99 (0)

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: It's midnight here, but I don't want to go to sleep. I'm afraid of being hit in the face with reality when I wake up. I think whats-her-name from the Blair Witch Project said it best..."I'm too scared to close my eyes, but I'm afraid of what I'll see if I open them." : So, what happens when I don't want to face reality, but I don't want to continue living in an illusion that my life is on track? : Right now, in school, people are all buzzing about college. Everywhere, it's something about college, about finding a career, about a post-high school education. And there I am, in the middle of all the fuss, confused and lost, not knowing which direction to go. Classic P, eh? Seeing all the Choices, but not being able to make one. This is why I wish I were a J sometimes. : I don't have any idea what I want to do...I know that I want to go to college, but I don't know when. I am Extremely afraid of it at the same time, and I don't know where to go--do I want to go away for school and become more independent or stay at home where I feel semi-safe? : To top it off, most applications are due at the end of the month. My mom is pressuring me to decide, saying i need to "get on the ball" (god i hate it when she says that). My college counselor guy thinks I should just jump right in, instead of waiting a year. Everytime my family sees me, they ask if I've made any choices about what I'm doing. : But I don't know. I suppose I really don't know all that much after all. : And then there's Cory. No matter where I go, or when I go, I want to go there with him. I think it would be comforting, to say the least, to wade through the dark waters of uncertainty with someone just as scared as I am, helping each other avoid the hidden monsters and creatures lurking on the ocean floor. But he doesn't know what he wants any better than I do. : I just want it all to stop, I want this pressure and uncertainty to fade, and I want to fall asleep everyday at midnight with Cory's arms lost in mine, unafraid of closing my eyes, and wake up not to a harsh slap in the face, but my cat snuggled contently against my cheek. : But that's too much to ask. : -Emily, the avoidant, depressive, romantic Four : : "Nothing is more sad than the death of an illusion." - Arthur Koestler

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