Re: What to do?

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: Milly, : First, let me say that I know how you feel. I have lost too many friends in my life, and I know how hard it is, especially when you don't believe that you've done anything wrong. And I don't believe that you've done anything wrong either. Unfortunately, some things just beyond our control, and there is nothing we can do to fix what's wrong. : It may help a little to try to understand your friend's point of view and put yourself in her mental and emotional shoes. 6's see the world as a threatening, dangerous place, and that includes even their closest friends. They can have a hard time trusting others; when under stress, they may not even trust those very close to them. She is obviously under a great deal of stress and very confused. I can't say there's any excuse for her blowing up at you and accusing you of being the "other woman", but I've seen it happen and I understand where it comes from. She just doesn't have a grip on what the truth is, and is desperate for an answer, any answer. She found one that, in her confusion and pain, made sense to her, and she latched onto it. She may also have a tendency to see herself as a victim, and is afraid of the possiblity that she is responsible for much of what happens to her. I can't be sure about all of this, but I do know that when you're feeling confused and needy and desperate, you can be very open to suggestion, and are more likely to believe things that aren't true just to have some answer. : I've recently come to realize that I have a very difficult time dealing with pain. In the past, I also tended to shut down my emotions to avoid feeling the pain. My defense strategies have changed over time, but the effect is the same--ignore the pain and replace it with something else, be it a fantasy, busy work that gets your mind off things, or feeling nothing at all. There is some anger in the tone of your message, so I know the emotions are still there. But it seems to have been turned inward on yourself. Please don't get angry at your inability to fix everything--there really was nothing more you could have done. Turning the anger on yourself will blind you more than almost anything else. It may seem counterintuitive, but try to detach from the anger. You've been there before; you know what anger feels like. Just let it go. It's a difficult thing to do when you've been hurt like this, but try to find the love you have for your friend. You don't have to act on it if you don't want to, but try to find it. : It may be that you need some time to let things settle and understand what's happened, and understand how you feel about it. I've learned enough to know that I should try to avoid making decisions when under stress if I can. Maybe you need to wait for the feeling to come back, and then fade back to normal, before you jump back in with your friend. Maybe you could even tell her this, if she's in a place where she can accept it. Try to see things objectively, and I'm sure the feelings will come. Just don't do anything rash, and don't act of anger or fear. Find the love, and whatever you decide, act from there. : - Hal - : : : Hi everyone : : I'm going to pick your brains about an issue I'm having a hell of a time with in the hope that there might be some good ideas out there. Please bear with me in my ramblings. : : One of my closest friends - a 6 - and I have had a serious falling out and we are no longer on speaking terms. She has, over the past year, suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome and severe depression. She was engaged to my best friend and as they became more estranged over time, her depression worsened to the point of her becoming quite suicidal. I took her to get professional help and the doctors (with her permission) released her into my care until such times as they could formulate a team plan for her. This took some time and she became more and more reliant on me for help. I felt at the time that this was a less than desirable situation - one that I didn't feel qualified enough to handle (I have had some limited experience) but, under the circumstances, there seemed little else that I could do.Because of my friendship with her fiance (with whom I had been friends long before she ever came into the picture) I felt stretched to the limit trying to support both him and her -and that I may become too close to the "warring" parties. I feared that I would get caught in the middle. : : Eventually they did split up and it was all very traumatic - they were each a mess (and, just quietly, so was I!). She suffered terribly with separation anxiety along with everything else, and I went to great lengths to let her know that I would not reject her..that we had become friends independently from her ex..and that her friendship was valuable to me. : : Things turned very sour when she became enraged that I could still remain close to her ex - that somehow I'd taken his side. The fact was that I could see both sides, and restricted myself to listening and being supportive where I could. I don't believe in giving people unsolicited advice or trying to solve their problems for them. She became even more enraged when I refused to support her in behaviours that were clearly making her even more agitated. Eventually things deteriorated to the point where I was at my wits end. I organised for my sister to help out and encouraged her (yet again) to re-establish contact with some of her other friends that she had isolated herself from...then I stepped back. : : The next thing I know, she came to my house and accused me of being the "other woman"!!!! She felt that if I had not been so involved in the picture, her fiance would have tried harder to communicate with her. She felt that he never needed to since I was always there for him to turn to. : : Let me make it absolutely clear at this point that there is,nor was there ever anything going on between he and I other than a friendship (he's more like a brother to me). Let me make it also clear that he tried for an incredible amount of time to communicate with her with disasterous results. Anyway,I couldn't believe my ears! I did something that I have never in my life done before...I ordered her out of my house and told her never to come back! The one thing she feared more than anything was happening again...rejection. : : And where does this leave me? : : On some level I'm saddened at the loss of what I considered to be a lovely friendship. Yes, it had its rough times (don't we all) but she is a wonderful person for all that. Trouble is - I can't feel the feelings. : : On some level I'm angry as hell. I tried to help and it all blew up in my face. And, you guessed it - I can't feel the feelings of anger either. : : What do I feel? Numb, zilch, zero, nothing.... : : She's now written to me indicating that she would like to rekindle our friendship and the unspoken message is that things can return to normal as soon as I apologize! Personally, I can't see any good coming of it. I'm still just as close to her ex as I ever was and I don't think she would handle that any better now than she has in the past. : : I can't see what I did that was so wrong. If I had it to do over - I don't think I would do anything differently. : : Have I missed something here? Is there something about my 4ness that blinds me to some big defect? : : And what the hell am I supposed to do about getting my feelings "online" again? : : I take some small comfort in the fact that at least she is still alive to tell the tale. : : I know I've gone on and on here, but thanks for hanging in with me. I'd really appreciate any comments you may have. : : Milly

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