Posted by Hal on December 23, 1998 at 16:08:45:
In Reply to: Re: Thankyou-this raises a question... posted by Amanda on December 22, 1998 at 09:52:10:
: This raises a question for me regarding anger....
: I have real difficulties when it comes to expressing anger and I find that I envy my 8 sister who seems to be able to let it 'all hang out' and then it's quickly over. We were both raised in a family where anger was quite taboo. We were always told to 'go away and cool down' before sitting down to calmly resolve any problems in a more 'civilised' way. The lesson for me was that anger was a 'bad' thing and something that signified a loss of control. (My sister came along quite a few years after the rest of us. Our father died when she was still quite young and the rules had drastically changed for most of her growing up years.)
: So how does one deal with anger in a healthy way?
: Is it enough to write it all in a 'vitriolic' letter that remains unsent, and then just let the matter drop?
: I agree that it is unfair to vent anger at the expense of somebody else, but how does one do it without either blowing up or wimping out?
: I'd really appreciate some imput on this folks....
: Amanda
I'm not sure if I have any answers, but I do share the problem of dealing with anger. I don't believe that either extreme--blowing up or keeping it bottled up--is healthy. An 8 who explodes from time to time may get the anger out, and it may seem like it's over, but there's no awareness that goes along with it. Someone venting like this is not really in touch with the angry feelings, and doesn't really know where the anger comes from. The result is that it's destined to repeat itself, over and over again. Keeping it all in is no good either--often, the anger then gets turned inward and becomes depression; you become angry at yourself instead of angry at another. In this case too I believe there is a lack of awareness. Since we don't allow ourselves to fully explore and express the anger, we lost track of where it comes from and what it means.
I still haven't found a good way to deal with it. I always thought that weightlifting and exercise helped, as a supposedly "constructive" way of releasing anger. But more recently I find that the anger comes out more when I exercise, but I don't really release it. The anger grows stronger as I lift, old anger from the past comes up, and I work out like a madman. Afterwards, as it all winds down, I become more depressed than angry. But I guess I have trouble actually releasing the anger and letting it go. It's almost a part of me that I feel I need. And that's the emotionality of a 4 right there--feeling that the emotions are a part of us, when in fact they are not. They are something we experience, but they are not us.
The Enlightened masters tell us that awareness is the critical part of all this--to really be aware of it. The action you take is less important; you can express the anger or not as you choose, but the important thing is to do so intentionally and with awareness. It's unfortuantely much easier to explain than to put into practice. I believe that releasing the anger is the next step--once you're aware of it, just let it go. Again, far easier said than done. The anger is not us, so detach from it, see it for what it is. We've all been angry before, we know what it's like, so there's no need to dwell on it and let it eat away at us. Let it go. Now if I could only take my own advice...
- Hal -