Wow. I feel so empathetic for you, Tigs. I still hope you have a merry Christmas. NT

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: : Why would anyone want to pretend to be an emotional swamp? There is a certain stereotype of the affected tragedian who gyres and gimbles around wearing an air of pretentious melancholy with a view to creating an atmosphere of beauty and refinement about him or herself. i don't think that is what a Four typically is! SOME Fours may be mournful poets who let everyone know that they are at their most creative when sitting in graveyards, but I don't think this is the norm. I've seen such characters portrayed on tv (often comedy) and in novels, and would hesitantly guess that some of them in real life may be either one type of 4w3 or else 3w4s. : : One can only hope that these amusing individuals have the nous to realise their own ridiculousness and be tongue in cheek about their pretentiousness. I enjoy being tongue in cheek pretentious myself, as I've mentioned before.For me it's play-acting like when children play at dressing up and acting out roles. It's fun. Just like when people go to a medieval banquet and dress up or have a toga party. (was that a seventies phenomenon?). : : But the essence of Fourness lies in genuine and very deep feelings and experience of rejection and suffering, often at an age when it would be impossible to be pretentious. I date my Fourness ( assuming it's not genetic) from the first six months of my life, when I was moved around loads and was obviously a mess psychologically as I was put on tranquillisers. It's hard to appreciate the effect of this until you see how even a tiny baby recognises its mothers face; they recongise her smell too apparently. And I still have trouble sleeping! But that doesn't make me want to wallow in negative emotions. I would love to be on an even keel all the time, so that I could be really productive and useful and successful, but things end up hurting so much that it makes it impossible to keep things stable enough to be able to give a consistantly high standard of personal output. For example, when I was doing secretarial work in local government, I would be typing away at the word-processor and suddenly I would 'come to' and find that I'd been crying silently for ages and hadn't even noticed. So then I had to scurry to the washroom to dry my eyes and hope no one saw me. I had no idea how long I'd been crying. : : A Fours usual behaviour isn't to show off their emotions as giving them some kind of status, but, 'keeping a distance for distance to hide' as it says in the song Losing which I put down as my theme song when we did that bit earlier on in the year on this board I think it was. : : Well here it is again, a very Fourish song. : : Losing. : : All of my life, I have tried to be true : : Speaking songs that the music would unfold : : Wearing the words that would echo the tune : : Often staging the story to be told. : : So many days, I have wandered alone : : Seeking friends who would long to understand : : Keeping a distance, for distance to hide : : Ever asking who I really am. : : And now I fall, where the road is clear : : Hide, where the darkness brings fear : : Run, when the voices are near, : : I am losing me, I am losing you, my Lord. : : Forever running to keep from the tears : : Lost and hurting from a deeper pain : : Finally wearied to sleep with my fears : : Seeking rest where my journey had begun. : : And now I fall, where the road is clear : : Hide, where the darkness brings fear : : Run, when the voices are near, : : Don't want to lose me Lord, : : Don't want to lose you now, my Lord. : : I don't know if it's just me, but Fours seem to have an affinity for narrative which is at once both a distancing thing and a willingness to engage. When I think about my life, it seems that it's about a character in a story rather than me, and I can empathise with her as though she was another person. This can help in reparenting oneself I guess. That's a hard concept for me. I've been on a much more even keel this past year, and I infinately prefer it that way. Nobody enjoys pain, the alleged Four attraction to melancholy is simply the feeling of being less alone and more understood because ones pain is seen externalised in the world.

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