Posted by Milly on December 27, 1998 at 04:43:42:
In Reply to: Re: What to do? posted by Mercurio (4w5) on December 25, 1998 at 23:41:35:
Hello again everyone,
You have all challenged me to view this situation from more angles than I would normally have come up with on my own....and you have collectively given me some really good suggestions and much to contemplate.
I've taken Hal's advice to give it time - well actually I bought myself some time. I ran into my friend at a function...she approached me and to say that I was caught off guard would be an understatement. It was polite (though strained) with most things being said "between the lines" so to speak. I decided to take the bull by the horns, so I acknowledged her letter. I simply said that she had given me much to think about and that I didn't feel ready to respond at this time. She took it well and we said our goodbyes.
Mercurio was spot-on about being in a room with a time bomb.One of the reasons I have been so reluctant to enter into an dialogue with her is because of the 'mercurial' response that I would undoubtably get. I am quite sure that she would have difficulty with anything that even remotely seems confrontational....I've seen it too many times with her before. I also strongly agree that to apologise for something I haven't done would not only mean a loss of my own integrity, but would be a denial of the reality that she must inevitably face if she is to move on from this sad situation. The truth is the truth. This is one of the reasons I don't believe that compromise would be the best course of action in this case. In compromise, we would both lose something. It may be a nice way to keep the peace, but at what cost? I have taken a good hard look at my own actions and motivations in this situation and, given the same set of circumstances again, I still wouldn't behave differently.
The arrows and wings discussion has been very illuminating. My friend has a 7 wing and it hadn't occurred to me why she went to such lengths to avoid pain. The 6 distintegrates to the 3 and the views on the 3's "vision" of the truth was very enlightening. It is also very true to say that she is vulnerable to becoming easily influenced. I'm certain that this has been the case as well.
I have looked long and hard at the 4's disintegration to the 2. When this whole situation was going on, I tried to be vigilant about this very issue. I spoke with a trusted friend of mine ( who happens to be a psychologist - and egram literate) throughout the process - she was invaluable in keeping me honest and, quite frequently, in de-briefing me.
I do admit, however, to having thoughts of "after everything I've done for her...!" on occassion. I'm treating this as a wake up call.
Yes, it does take 'two to screw' - but I'm not one of the two involved here. Herein lies the whole problem! This whole situation is really about the breakup of my friends. It's between them and it has become displaced onto me because of my unusual position in all of this - I've become the scape goat. All of this is a smoke screen she's using(probably quite unintentionally) to deflect her attention from the painful truth.
For me to voice my anger to her would be to draw out what is, in reality, a fantasy. I don't honestly see how it would do her any good. My anger is my own concern - and something I'm attending to. To blame her for my own reactions would be unfair. All of us benefit from taking responsibility for ourselves.
Is this situation worth breaking up a friendship over?
The night she came over to have it out with me about being 'the other woman' she made it quite clear that she no longer wanted our friendship. It was not long after that that I told her to leave, as things had degenerated considerably from that point and she was becoming pretty hysterical. The fact that she wrote to me indicates to me that she's had second thoughts, but I am left with the uncomfortable knowledge that my presence around her, for the present time at least, is counter-productive. Because of this whole scenario she has in her head - I'm nothing more than an aggravation to her. Whether or not we ever become friends again remains to be seen and much has to happen in order for that to eventuate.
Aaron's points re: diet were excellent. I have passed the info on in the hopes that my friend will look into it for herself.
So....that's how things stand for now....
thankyou all for your thoughts thus far - it has been most helpful.
Milly
: Of all the suggestions I saw so far, the only one I couldn't entirely agree with was Derf's. Aaron made a great point about the diet: although I've yet to check out the site he attached, I know from studying Ayurveda that some nutritional patterns can actually be detrimental to thinking patterns. Hal makes a great point in suggesting a cool off period where you can actually think things through in order to act as objectively as possible. Finally, Boon makes a great point by bringing into the mix the distintegration factor.
: The reason that I slightly disagree with Derf is the argument of taking the "initiative." I'm confused: what is it precisely that you have done wrong that requires you to apologize? This will only aggravate the situation, since you'll only contribute to her temporary madness. Should you give in to apologies, you'll only talk yourself into a locked room with a ticking time bomb.
: Where does the analogy come in? Let me elaborate on Boon's contribution. You are dealing with a six that's obviously mishandling a stressful situation (six disintegrates into three). Except possibly for Eights there is probably no type more hell bent on sticking to their "vision" of what the truth is than a three, which explains why she sees you as the other woman--after all, you are "sleeping" with the "enemy."
: This is only scratching the surface of the problem, though. What about wings? Is your friend a seven wing or a five wing? If she's a five wing, there might be some hope, as she'll be likely to base her judgment on the external circumstances of the situations if approached in the right fashion. If she's a seven, though, you're in for a long ride, since her main concern is the avoidance of pain through all means possible, even if it means making you the "fall guy."
: The truth shall set you free, my friend. Do not give in to the notion that acting in a "one" type fashion is about perfectionism. Instead, it's about doing what's right. Regardless of the circumstances, tell the truth. Life's too short to be someone else's scapegoat or to feel guilty for someone else's behavior. For if you apologize to your friend for something you haven't done, you'll only let her off the hook from dealing with reality and you'll be living a lie yourself.
: In the end, though, whatever I say might not amount to a hill of beans if it doesn't agree with what your heart is telling you. After all, I can only base my assessment of the situation on what I've read. If you're ever to play your role in this life, you must be true to yourself. Follow your heart...