Posted by Milly on December 27, 1998 at 09:36:14:
In Reply to: continuation of endless morose E4 pattern.... posted by Derf on December 27, 1998 at 07:06:39:
Hi Derf
You pose some challenging questions - and I'd like to look at a couple of your points.
: 1) contrary to what you've been brainwashed into believing, either by popular attitudes or by your own pride, it was YOU who got yourself into this mess.
Yes, this is true. I find myself in this position because of a choice that I made. But would you have done differently? My friend was released into my care when she was at an extremely low point in her life - in fact, it was a life-threatening situation. Her doctors would have preferred her to have been hospitalised, but no beds were available. You may accuse me of being melodramatic.. but it's nothing other than the truth. I took on a responsibility that I believed would be in the very short term. It turned out differently and is more a reflection on our overburdened mental health system than it is on either her or me.
: (i.e., maybe you should have given some 'temporary space' to your friend earlier)
I tried on several occassions.Due to the state she was in, she found it increasingly impossible to function normally with friends and family. She isolated herself almost completely and it was a struggle just to get her to make a doctor's appointment.
: 2) the best course of action is NOT the one that you're going to immediately agree with, because if such was already your mindset, then you would already be on your way out of your pathetic situation. You don't make change by doing what you've always done, or are "naturally" predisposed to doing.
Again, I agree that this can sometimes very well be the case. I do, however, believe that this situation requires careful consideration. One of the reasons I believe 'giving it time' is a wise course is because it gives her time to spend with her therapist to level out and get some perspective on the whole situation. So long as she harbours illusions about what has come to pass, she will be unable to move on.
The thing to remember is that this situation is not about normal run-of-the-mill friendly interaction. My friend is unwell and what I and others do and say have an impact on her at a time when she's in a very vulnerable state.
I also agree that getting imput from other types is often beneficial - which is why I frequently do.
My purpose for coming here in the first place was to hopefully get some imput from 4's specifically regarding the expression or lack of expression of 'negative' emotions. My friend has her work cut out for her putting her life back together after the failure of her relationship. I have my work cut out for me in the 'emotion' department. It was this situation that was the catalyst for me and has raised issues that I felt other 4's may have been familiar with. I guess the reason I gave so much background is because this situation is unusual and many of the elements are outside the realms of normal friendship issues....it was an illustration of how things are not always so cut and dried - there is no good-guy/bad-guy in this scenario....and consequently, what would normally be the best way of handling things doesn't necessarily apply here.
What ultimately happens between my friend and I remains to be seen. In the meantime, I'm interested in attending to my own emotional health.
I had a lovely Christmas with family and friends - hope you all did too :)
Milly