Posted by Derf on December 27, 1998 at 17:11:08:
In Reply to: Re: continuation of endless morose E4 pattern....response posted by Milly on December 27, 1998 at 09:36:14:
As usual, I my replies came too quickly off my head, and I didn't take much time to consider them. Please forgive me.
I probably would not have done it any differently than you. And that's *not* just a speculation.
I also failed to consider one of the merits for the "give it time" argument (which, I believe, Hal first suggested).
For much of my life, old quibbles between me and my loved ones have lost significance when we have advanced to a stage of maturity. There is a mutual understanding that the past "problems" were caused by less experienced, even "entranced" people, and that since we had "woken up," there was no sense in holding out past mistakes against each other.
But maybe your situation is not one that can be "outgrown." In fact, maybe such a solution poses itself only to children and adolescents who outgrow their respective "phases." Then again, maybe that assumption is wrong. Every age group is a "phase" in a way, and maturity continues throughout life. Why do you never see elderly people fighting with each other? OK, you do sometimes, but it's the exception, not the rule.
In any case, you're right - what you and your companions are going through is not simple, everyday stuff. If your friend regains her mental stability (maybe the process has started, but it takes a while for the rough edges to smooth out), then she may disregard her previous resentment.
Harmony can be achieved only between two stable minds. Sometimes, you have to wait. The 6w7 mistrust issue is a complex one, too. In my experience, little signs of support (without necessarily becoming totally involved, if that's your intention) is likely to work wonders. Even *very* little signs of support. Maybe they're saying "You're still important to me, but it's necessary to wait before I try to jump in."
That can apply easily to the "pattern breaking" thing I suggested. From the tone of my last letter, you might have thought I was suggesting you take drastic, "military" efforts. Good heavens, no!
As for the "apology" issue, that's still a tricky question. After the cobwebs clear and she's back on her feet, will she forget your reaction to her? If you sense that she hasn't, maybe you could explain your position to her (this sounds better than suggesting an all-out letting loose of anger, as I irreverently suggested in a previous post). With clear communication (and not just communication between the lines), the truth may become clear to both of you.
I know that I'm probably falling off the rails when I try to discuss this, since I don't know the situation firsthand, but I didn't want to leave my previous posts the way they were, without adding this second thought.
Bye now!
-Derf