Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive

a response to Mark and a question for John

a response to Mark and a question for John

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Posted by crystallynn on February 23, 1998 at 20:17:45:

In Reply to: Re: John's comment posted by John DiFool (4w5) on February 06, 1998 at 17:18:47:

Mark, in your message above you wondered what a female four's perspective would be on "this 'pull in' burnout thing". From what I can tell from your other messages (correct me if I'm mistaken), I believe you were talking about having a romantic relationship so emotionally intense that one person in the relationship feels the need to "come up for air", so to speak. In my previous 19-month involvment with "Bob" (as I'll call him), I began to feel smothered by our emotional dependency on each other, and I concluded that we were too close. It took me at least 6 months to come to this difficult conclusion, since I had built my whole identity around the idea that we were soul mates and would always be there for each other. I think that "Bob" was probably also a four (I'm not sure because I discovered the Enneagram only recently)--extremely introspective like me, he shared my ideals about love and life. This made it all the more difficult to tell him that I needed to pull away. Because I felt I couldn't tell him, our relationship died a slowly and painfully, each of us denying what was happening. Because we left little room for deviance in what we believed we should be to each other, our idealized relationship collapsed in on itself. I am now in the process of re-building my identity, one of the reasons that I discovered the Enneagram. I hope this sheds some light on what a female four might experience in a relationship that burns out because of too much "pull in" (if I understood what you meant by that correctly in the first place).

John (if you get down to this part!), you said in your message above that you had felt like "leaf in the wind, powerless to change my fate." Sometimes that's how I feel lately. I was wondering if you could elaborate further on how you realized how mistaken you were, how it was that you brought on all your own problems, and how you are now able to mold your life's path and create your own reality. Thank you!

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: Mark, in your message above you wondered what a female four's perspective would be on "this 'pull in' burnout thing". From what I can tell from your other messages (correct me if I'm mistaken), I believe you were talking about having a romantic relationship so emotionally intense that one person in the relationship feels the need to "come up for air", so to speak. In my previous 19-month involvment with "Bob" (as I'll call him), I began to feel smothered by our emotional dependency on each other, and I concluded that we were too close. It took me at least 6 months to come to this difficult conclusion, since I had built my whole identity around the idea that we were soul mates and would always be there for each other. I think that "Bob" was probably also a four (I'm not sure because I discovered the Enneagram only recently)--extremely introspective like me, he shared my ideals about love and life. This made it all the more difficult to tell him that I needed to pull away. Because I felt I couldn't tell him, our relationship died a slowly and painfully, each of us denying what was happening. Because we left little room for deviance in what we believed we should be to each other, our idealized relationship collapsed in on itself. I am now in the process of re-building my identity, one of the reasons that I discovered the Enneagram. I hope this sheds some light on what a female four might experience in a relationship that burns out because of too much "pull in" (if I understood what you meant by that correctly in the first place). : : John (if you get down to this part!), you said in your message above that you had felt like "leaf in the wind, powerless to change my fate." Sometimes that's how I feel lately. I was wondering if you could elaborate further on how you realized how mistaken you were, how it was that you brought on all your own problems, and how you are now able to mold your life's path and create your own reality. Thank you!

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