Re: Compatibility

Posted by bilo on December 28, 2000 at 23:44:12:

In Reply to: Compatibility posted by Hannah on December 28, 2000 at 21:50:02:

: I'm a F 5w4 INTx in a 3-month relatoinship with a M 1w9 ISTJ (his mannerisms are very 5 though) . We're both very prudent, introverted, and reserved, and tihs is the first relationship for both of us (we're college kids). As far as our differences he is more down-to-earth than me and he is much more organized and motivated. I'm closer to F than he is and I'm less routinized but still pretty predictable.

: I take more of the initiative inthe relationship as far as physical expression--e.g., at first he was hesitant to even hold hands until I brought it up. It sounds like an unbalanced relationship from what I just described (the fact that I seem more concerned about us than he does), but it is, on the contrary, very equalized; we both make equal efforts to communicate and contribute to the health of the relationship, and of course, we're both devoted and respectful to each other. Good building blocks.

: To get to the point--it's taking a serious turn and I was wondering if some other 5's could share about similar experiences with 1's (or other people who sound a lot like him). It would be intresting to see how those turned out, and if they were soured at one point, it would help me recognize areas that need work.

:
: Thanks..Hannah

Okay. I am a 5w4 INTx too (wonder how many of us there are) currently relating to a 1w9 INTP. The relationship was heavenly for a long time, very respectful and passionate. We've had a lot of trouble, though, with withdrawal, each at times bringing out the other's worst feelings of aloneness, and each, at times, losing our cool and acting in a disrespectful way toward each other. For me, the passion of anger and frustration ultimately feels like a good thing: it's better than my autistic non-communicative mode when I feel anxious and pressured, and my anger passes quickly with no residue. If I can express my feelings, I feel close. But for my partner, it's a weakness, I think, and it's a source of her anger in turn, which is much more strident and long lasting than mine. I love her to death, but those Ones are really exacting. When we are relating well, this is a totally blissful relationship, with great sexual rapport (important to me as a 5 as a means of emotional relating without words), empathy, and humor. When we aren't this is the most disastrous relationship I have ever had: just really terrible. My goal, ultimately, in relationships, is privacy, confidentiality, safety, intimacy. Hers tend to be more wordly, as she sees relationships as ways to enhance our careers and sense of being in the world. I think we both have something to offer with our preferences, but the clashes can be awesome.

I don't know if this "advice" makes you happy or sad. I can tell you that I have learned more from this relationship than I knew could be learned from just relating to people. I do have to say, though, that neither of us have managed to maintain our "ideal selves" in the relationship, and it has taken a toll. Above all else, this is a relationship that is rich in love and affection, as long as needs are respected. Don't be afraid to voice your emotional needs as we fives tend to do: it can sometimes come out in all the wrong ways when you're not honest with yourself about what you need. And bear with that perfectionist thing: they can't help it. : )

Bilo

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