Posted by Thornsword on December 31, 2000 at 23:01:26:
In Reply to: living at the top of our hearts and fists posted by Semper Fi on December 31, 2000 at 21:00:49:
Are you a type 5? Hidden rage is not an uncommon experience.
A couple of quotes from Stephen Johnson's book, "Character Styles", Chapter 5- The Hated Child: The Schizoid Experience:
"As these individuals become more aware of the deep levels of rage in them, they often express considerable fear of their own destructive power. The fantasy is that they may let go suddenly and destroy everyone and everything in their path. The sudden explosions that result, for example, in that quiet, withdrawn, unassuming boy shooting down innocent people at random from the top of a building suggest that this fantasy is occasionally realized."
"In the expression of the rage particularly, the schizoid person restates his right to live and to be in this world."
It's interesting that you used words like "destroy", "anxiety", "hated" and "what it feels like to actually be alive". The central issue of the type five personality literally is existance itself and, many find at some point in their lives, they need to make an expression of that primary terror and rage.
Try to work it out in small pieces. The internet is a great place for self-therapy but it can also be a little too free of responsibility. Fight for your life... but try not to trash your surroundings in the process.