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Hi Curious...

Hi Curious...

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Posted by Robin on August 03, 2000 at 11:52:25:

In Reply to: Re: Sorry to see all these critical remarks from Fives, Curious, but... (continued inside) posted by Curious on August 02, 2000 at 18:44:10:

I'm not sure I understand how your fiance's feelings about medical patchwork and not making a difference in people's lives is related to your original concern that he "turns everything into a thought and avoids feeling emotions."

I think it's best to assume that everyone has the ability to find their own solutions... the solutions that work for them. But sometimes it's helpful to have a facilitator to process thoughts and feelings, because it accelerates the process.

This means being an "active listener." Providing a space for someone to express his/her thoughts and feelings without being judged... and without anyone trying to either fix their problem or to fix them as a person. Providing a space where a person knows that he/she is accepted unconditionally... that he/she can safely come out of isolation and have their stories heard without the threat of critical feedback.

Much of active listening entails paraphrasing people's statements back to them. This doesn't provide any solution to their problem (and is not intended to), but it makes them feel that their thoughts and feelings have been heard... and that they have not been talking to a wall. This results in greater connection and intimacy, and alleviates feelings of isolation.

Another technique is to ask open-ended questions. This draws out a person in isolation and encourages them to express themselves. For example, your fiance expresses doubt about making a difference in the world. You respond by asking: "How are you not making a difference?" He will then try to explain. The point is to try to get him to talk. When people hear their own words, it often triggers further thinking... further processing... and sometimes they suddenly see something new and get out of being "stuck," as you say.

But it is very important not to impose your solutions on him. Let him find his own solutions. Even when he asks you directly: "What do you think is the answer?" Don't give him your answer. Just turn the responsibility back on him and say: "I think it's important for me to hear how YOU feel." And it really IS important... to get HIM to process HIS own thoughts and feelings.

So that's about it. Let them feel heard... let them feel safe and unthreatened... and encourage them to process their thoughts and feelings. You may experience a new level of connection and intimacy. Hope you find this useful...

- Robin

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: I'm not sure I understand how your fiance's feelings about medical patchwork and not making a difference in people's lives is related to your original concern that he "turns everything into a thought and avoids feeling emotions." : I think it's best to assume that everyone has the ability to find their own solutions... the solutions that work for them. But sometimes it's helpful to have a facilitator to process thoughts and feelings, because it accelerates the process. : This means being an "active listener." Providing a space for someone to express his/her thoughts and feelings without being judged... and without anyone trying to either fix their problem or to fix them as a person. Providing a space where a person knows that he/she is accepted unconditionally... that he/she can safely come out of isolation and have their stories heard without the threat of critical feedback. : Much of active listening entails paraphrasing people's statements back to them. This doesn't provide any solution to their problem (and is not intended to), but it makes them feel that their thoughts and feelings have been heard... and that they have not been talking to a wall. This results in greater connection and intimacy, and alleviates feelings of isolation. : Another technique is to ask open-ended questions. This draws out a person in isolation and encourages them to express themselves. For example, your fiance expresses doubt about making a difference in the world. You respond by asking: "How are you not making a difference?" He will then try to explain. The point is to try to get him to talk. When people hear their own words, it often triggers further thinking... further processing... and sometimes they suddenly see something new and get out of being "stuck," as you say. : But it is very important not to impose your solutions on him. Let him find his own solutions. Even when he asks you directly: "What do you think is the answer?" Don't give him your answer. Just turn the responsibility back on him and say: "I think it's important for me to hear how YOU feel." And it really IS important... to get HIM to process HIS own thoughts and feelings. : So that's about it. Let them feel heard... let them feel safe and unthreatened... and encourage them to process their thoughts and feelings. You may experience a new level of connection and intimacy. Hope you find this useful... : - Robin

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