Posted by milena on August 01, 2001 at 16:31:45:
In Reply to: Re: be honest, be direct. posted by Jeff on August 01, 2001 at 00:59:56:
Thank you all for your suggestions and insights...I'm going to try some and see how it goes...I really don't want to screw this relationship up.
: : Hi,
: : I've lost more than one girlfriend over my introverted nature, and I know exactly what you mean. I find it hard to talk about the way I feel partly because I'm often preoccupied, but mostly because I'm just like that. My strategy for coping with this odd quirk of my nature is to write/type a letter setting out the way I feel about things in general, or a specific event, or both. I've never given one of these letters to a girlfriend (I don't generally keep them), and I don't only write them when the shit has hit the fan. The reason for this is that when it does (or is about to), I just think back to the last letter and what was written in it. Then I have a foundation upon which to build a sensible, sensitive, honest and complete reply to my partner. I think the answer (for me) is definately in giving myself personal space to sort things out, AND by formalising/organising my feelings into an explicit fashion.
: : If all else fails, give it go, you might not have anything to lose!
: : Regards,
: : Matt
: Yeah, the trick seems to be noticing that she's getting upset BEFORE the shit hits the fan. Hmm. I can't help but think that perhaps I also just need to seek women that are more aloof than some in my past. One that need lots of emotional maintenance tends to crowd the much needed time for preoccupation. Can't help but think that the one's I've lost due to my living inside my head were just going to eventually drive me insane anyhow. You know the saying, "it's better to have loved and lost than to have had to live with someone like that for the rest of your life"
: *sigh*
: I just couldn't get around the bad logic of "I'm not giving you space because I'm insecure. So, I will be more secure if you spend more time with me. If you spend more time with me, I will give you the space to think" That always sounds like a heads I win, tails you lose kind of thing.