Posted by Ryan on August 05, 2001 at 01:38:16:
In Reply to: Ah, the monster within... posted by RoTtEn ApPlE on August 04, 2001 at 21:45:56:
This sounds like that 4 wing again. I too have known the desire to intensely connect with someone but at the same time maintain my independence. The happiest time in the relationship with my ex-wife was when we were going to separate universities about an hour apart from each other. We did our own thing during the week, called each other on Wednesday or Thursday, and then I'd visit her for a whole weekend. This gave me the opportunity for independence yet gave me a connecting relationship at the same time. It was still a decent relationship after I graduated and moved to the same city and lived apart from each other. I still had some time to myself. It got bad when we were married and living together and I had no time to be in my head at all. I'd purposely withdraw and she'd think I was neglecting her.
That's why I've come to the conclusion that I can probably never live with anyone I'm dating ever again. True, it might be better if that person was a more comparable type to me than type 1, like 4 or 5, but I doubt it. Or else that person would have to be EXTREMELY understanding about my personal needs. There are times I just want everybody to just leave me the hell alone and other times I need other people desparately and anyone I date would have to understand that and be able to leave me alone even if we lived together. But I'm not sure it can happen... and I still think it would be great to have my own place and date some cool woman who had her own place and we'd hang out and connect every once in a while. But most relationships don't seem to work like that because societal pressures dictate otherwise that people should live together and have families, that kind of nonsense. But to me the separate living quarters is the best way of having a true connecting relationship for a 5.
Ryan
: : Are there other Intimate Variant Fives like me who, in spite of an overall style of detachment, actually can get "overattached" in intimate relationships? I'm often the one who gets upset if I don't hear back from the other person fast enough! So when I read how other Fives feel, I think "maybe I'm not a Five" but I really believe I am. Though I certainly tend to withdraw when things feel "too close", I can't really relate to not getting attached--And though I have been characterized as coming across as aloof all my life, I can't really relate to the inner experience of not wanting connection--four wing or intimate subtype influences? Just curious if there are other Fives who feel the same way.
: >>>Um, yeah... not the part of myself I really like to talk about but there is an element of my character that is INTENSELY interested in connecting with someone very deeply and personally... and INTENSELY frightened of such a connection at the same time. This is the same part of my personality that used to cause me to intentionally burn myself and cut off all my hair to the scalp. I monitor this aspect of my character closely and try to manage the way I express and release it. When I feel I'm getting too close to someone I often panic and back off... more often by creating situations or saying things that encourage distance. Not healthy behavior. I'm TRYING to find the ability to be vulnerable without becoming a borderline nutcase... but that is gonna take time.