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Enneagram Type 5 Board Archive A self inspectionPosted by Sambersil on October 17, 2000 at 22:45:51: When I was younger, I had almost no social skills. I was VERY shy, and unable to make friends or play well in groups. Because of this, I was socially rejected - and I fell into the unhealthy 3 loop in a very weird way. I was hostile by always trying to know more than anyone else, and I fit into the "nerd" stereotype as early as 3rd grade. I consciously identified as a nerd, and molded my personality and actions around this stereotype, becoming 5-like. If I wasn't sure what to do socially, I could always say something technical that nobody else understood, thus halting conversation and leaving everyone else confused. This technique was working for a while, until I began to have trouble motivating myself, in sixth grade. I am not sure why I suddenly became unable to self-motivate, but it happened. It was terrible to have identified as an antisocial smart person and then lose the "smart" part - A's and B's instead of straight A's. Sixth grade was so academically and socially stressful for me that I could not face the world. I turned inward, and lost myself in imaginary role-playing universes, pacing for hours on end in my backyard while imagining some fantasy or science fiction world. These wasted hours only made it harder to find time to both motivate myself and actually work, causing even more stress. I was used to being the smartest person in my classes, and I NEEDED to be, and when that wasn't happening because I could not force myself to study, there was great emotional pain. By seventh grade, I had lost the need to be the best that I had constructed in third grade, and I just relaxed. I began to get more B's than A's, but I was MUCH happier. Still, there remained the problem of social interaction. I turned to being weird rather than being smart, and became quite adept at feeding back confusing phrases as a shield - I needed one. About everyone hated me by then. Nearing the end of seventh grade, I began to think seriously about philosophy. I had actually been thinking, to an extent, about philosophy since fifth grade, and I HAD been using it as another social crutch, (philosophical statements are often seemingly nonsensical and confusing) but since I was no longer a "true nerd", I needed something else to call myself to keep my ego satisfied. A "philosopher" fit, and I set to work (another good thing about being a philosopher was that it did not require any effort- I just had to sit and think). I felt special again - I felt WISE, and that called back the emotional potency of the shield of "smart" that I had erected in 3rd grade. By the beginning of eighth grade, I was a 5w4 - an introspective philosopher. I have refined my philosophy since then, thinking of more and more points. I never completely abandoned the social shield of weird. Over last summer and 9th grade, I think that I finally turned a bit more positive - I was doing yoga and Chi Kung, strengthening my body and developing my meditative abilities (the 3 surfaces again). This was still a shield, though, because those are not normal activities for an average 15 year old - I could still feel different because of them. One more thing - My father is a strong two, and I took to heart his preachings about being "nice" until I became socially alienated through grades 1-4. I was, at one point, a two, although now I never help anyone unless their problem is glaringly easy to solve and they are nearby, or they specifically ask for help. 3(2) or 2(3) --> 5(3) --> 5w4(3) Postscript - the stress I was under in 6th grade delayed puberty by at least a year, probably more, so I didn't fit in even more. As this was a defect rather than a special trait, it caused even more stress. If you read this far, you are nosy.
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