Re: here's some non-relevant info and crap advice

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: : Hmm, I'm at the fag-end of a long Xmas break at the family home (not as bad as it sounds). Got me finking... : : I bet in long marriages, a spouse will often build up walls of hostility against the criticism coming from the one. This could be mutual if it's a 1 & 1 marriage. : I think in my case they are supporting each other's disorders. Their marriage is completely passionless, but it is really important to them that they maintain the illusion of a "happy family". : : In Enneagrammic order, my mother is a 1w2 and my father a 5w4. : : They are both terribly bright, and I'd hate to think what they'd be like without their brainpower. : : My heart says don't give up on 'em, Harls. Set some modest goals. Meet them separately on your own terms. Consider the evening a success if you get five words out of them that isn't a complaint or a criticism. While you're disintegrated to five, I'm sure you'd prefer to chew your big toe off. But if you can force yourself into the two-place, it will seem worth doing and be easier. : I had set goals like this, but they will refuse to meet me on neutral teritory etc (in their minds, I think, because you can't let a child set the agenda). : My mother's idea of a compliment is to tell me my "boobs" (I HATE that word) have gotten smaller. They actually haven't. I have realised that they are both really competitive and any area that I can beat them in they automatically have to devalue. Since we are not biologically related, I have a different build from my parents and this is not something that can be corrected by them. So my father brags about how trim and fit he is, and my mother has been telling me to have my tits cut off since I was 15. I am a tall, curvaceous woman. Deal with it ma and pa. This is not a healthy relationship to be having with your kids. : : And, if you ignore the many times it has, my heart's never been wrong! : My heart says they are happy with their photo albums and I am happy to maintain polite contact and maybe not see them for about 3 years this time. : I keep thinking if I can go back there and present as "perfect" in their eyes that they will just settle down and be nice, but the standards they have set are not possible to meet. I cannot reduce myself to a 4 year old, I cannot suddenly become a petite, subservient, flat chested "nice girl". And if I ever have children, I don't want my parents anywhere near them. : : : : ***Damn! Would you say riso is correct in concluding 8's are ambivalent towards the mother, feeling they are stronger than their mother, and that 7's are negative to : : : : their mother feeling the mother never provided or nurtured for them enough? : : : I just went back for Christmas and am still processing, but basically my mother is not terribly bright and was not a great mother. There is a fantasy family somewhere in her head that doesn't actually look like the one she's got in front of her. But I also realised that I had a fantasy too and it can't come true because it's incompatible with hers. : : : My fantasy was that we could establish a relationship where we all come to the table as adults. I expressed this and was told that I didn't understand, and that I was really nice when I was a little girl. Hmmmm. : : : My father is also a 1. He got really drunk on Christmas Day and didn't get around to talking to me. They haven't seen me for 15 months. : : : I organised to have coffee with them on Boxing Day before I flew out of town, in the hopes that my father would be left with a memory of me as I certainly won't be hurrying back. He asked me how I pulled up that morning (I went on to another party on Christmas Night). I said fine, but how did YOU pull up? : : : His answer was "I'm good" which is the perfect 1 answer really. An apology would have been nice, some remorse maybe, beligerance was not really what I expected. : : : At one stage late on Christmas Day when I attempted to have a chat with dad, we started expressing our conflicting views of the day's events and my mother inserted herself between us screaming, "you're ruining everything!" at my father. Interestingly she had also claimed earlier in the day that we don't fight. She's correct in that every time people express conflicting views, she shuts down the discussion. As long as we're not yelling at each other, we're getting along just fine, apparently. : : : The best thing is that they have a whole rom fullof photos of me as a child, and also lots of Super 8 footage they have transferred to video. They can watch me as a 4 year old for the rest of their lives and live happily ever after. : : : This works quite well for me, too. : : : Does that sort of answer your question?

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