Re: Emotional honesty & E1s

Posted by Christy on August 28, 1998 at 12:54:12:

In Reply to: Re: Emotional honesty & E1s posted by Hal on August 28, 1998 at 08:05:11:

: : Wow. Isn't that so strange - we're the same age.
: : I hope to God that some day it might change. It seems so sad that for me to go to my biological home it costs me my health. My mother treats me like a child too - which is irrational considering the many temper tantrums I've seen her have over the years. When I buckled last Christmas and went to my therapist for advice on handling the strain of being cut off from my family we got to one central point. My feelings on the situation is that if I can't help my family - how can I help others? She said very strongly - "You can't help anyone that does not want help - they're telling you over and over that they can't handle it, back off and try to have whatever relationship you can with them." When my mother made the effort to talk to me - I was there. Of course it helped that the flu had overcome me at the time. But still.....what Brian said is the most vital point...... to go to a thinker stance (1) I have to come to terms w/my mother. I don't know what that means for me yet although I've struggled w/it for so long.

: I have also gotten some of the same advice--that I have to come to terms with my parents (especially my father) and to have whatever relationship I can with them. I never found this the least bit satisfying; I've been told to accept my father for who he is, but the fact is that I don't LIKE who he is. I also don't really know what it means to "come to terms" with my family. The closest I've come is the times when I've been overcome with love in my heart. At these times, instead of hating my father, I just felt sorry for him because he is so blind and so afraid, and doesn't even know it. But eventually the anger and hatred came back.

: And having whatever relationship I can never worked for me. Even looking at it objectively, for us to have any relationship with our families means a relationship on their terms. This is what we went through for many years that led to all the problems in the first place. If I'm going to have any relationship with my father, it has to be real--not the same phony spending time together and being civil just because that's what families are supposed to do. Just like you, putting up with that crap costs me my health. The way I see it, if I met someone on the street that I couldn't have a satisfying relationship with, I just wouldn't be friends with them. So why am I required to keep trying with my father even though I know that unless he drastically changes, our relationship will never be satisfying? Just because we share some genetic code? That doesn't make any sense.

: I do know I need to "come to terms" with everything that's happened in my family so it doesn't keep haunting me. But that seems to mean accepting myself and who I am much more than forcing a relationship with them. I don't know if that's being objective or if it's just what I want to believe, but I don't seem to have any alternatives.

: - Hal -

I agree wholeheartedly. My main goal is to overcome my personal obstacles and pain so that it doesn't affect my son and so I can live and breathe happier. I've come a long way - but I still have a long way to go.

Follow Ups:

• Re: Emotional honesty & E1s Ann 14:03:12 8/30/98 (4)
  • Re: Emotional honesty & E1s Hal 08:06:57 8/31/98 (3)
    • Re: Emotional honesty & E1s Christy 14:50:38 8/31/98 (2)
      • Re: Emotional honesty & E1s Ann 00:51:06 9/01/98 (1)
        • Re: Emotional honesty & E1s Christy 11:10:02 9/01/98 (0)

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