Re: Emotional honesty & E1s

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: : : : : Hal and Christy, : : : : : I'm 15, and I'm having a similar relationship with my mother as both of you described with your parents. The difference is, I can't get out. My mother is always there, looking over my shoulder, speaking loudly, worrying continuously, prying, always trying to control, and, ultimately, steadfastly believing that she is RIGHT. There is also a lack of recognition for the emotions of others (the rest of her family). I'm not positive she is a one, both of her daughters are 4's (myself and my sister, who is 25). My sister also experienced all of these problems. She is still financially dependant on the family and so finds it impossible to break away herself. Her health also suffers in the house that seems so overwhelmed with negative energy from my mother. What can I do? : : : : Ann, : : : : This is almost exactly what I went through when I was in high school. My mother was constantly nagging me to do my homework, clean my room, take care of... and so on; things I knew perfectly well. And it drove me nuts and made me very angry. : : : : There is no way for you to make your mother really understand you emotionally. It seems that many people are just not capable of understanding 4's, or anyone different from themselves, for that matter. But what you can do is ask her to change her behavior. It's not always easy, though, since it requires being able to detach yourself from your hurt and angry feelings in the moment, and be more objective with her; this is the only way she will understand. When your mother starts acting this way towards you, try to calmly ask her to "Please stop doing ________. I know how to do it and it annoys me when you keep reminding me." Or something to that effect--put it in your own words for your own situation. : : : : For me, it was always my mother telling me I had to do things (which I already knew I had to do) or telling me exactly HOW to do them (which I could also figure out.) It took me a long time to ask her to stop (long after high school) and once I did, it at least started to open some lines of communication and allowed our relationship to improve. There's no guarantee of course, but this is the best way I have found to deal with this. : : : : BTW, my mother is a 2w3, obviously with a strong manipulative side. My father is a 1, but he's another story, and a very unsuccessful one for me... : : : : - Hal - : : : Ann, one of the best things I did for myself when I was your age was join a support group. Learn who you are and become separate from your mother. When a parent refuses to acknowledge that their children have feelings of their own, usually the boundaries within the personalities have been confused and need to be built stronger. I didn't have the backbone to admit to my mother why I went to therapy and support groups because she made my life difficult enough as it was. Obviously you are already on this path - hopefully you will make better choices than I did at that age! Try your best to be emotionally honest yourself instead of "taking care" of your mother's emotional states. THe first time I actually confronted my mother was 4 months before my wedding day (age 21). She threw the biggest tantrum I had ever seen. But I held fast (my 8 husband was great support) and she buckled. Please don't wait that long. I was learning to be independent from my mother at the same time I was marrying a very strong willed person and it was hell. Take care of yourself and keep in touch Ann. : : I find myself becoming a person I don't want to be. When I am around my mother, intense hostility begins to build inside me, especially as she speaks on an on about things (like how to do something I already know how to do...). I find myself talking back to her and just speaking in a really nasty tone all the time. As I try to move toward one, and help others and be kind as a form of personal healing, I find myself inhibited by this attitude. The thing is, though, its only around her. That doesn't help our relationship, but it has become an automatic reaction to her presence (perhaps because she doesn't give me any of my own time/space when I need it...) : : Anyway, at least I live at school (boarding) 8 months out of the year. :-) : : I hope that didn't sound too negative, or just like some dumb teenager who doesn't appreciate their parents.... : : Ann : You're certainly not dumb. Being a teenager is really tough and I would pay a million dollars not to have to do it again. As much as you're apart from your mother - you probably are letting all the hostility out in those small increments of time instead of consistently making your parent's lives hell like most of us did. I cannot stress the importance enough of trying your best to ride out the storm. Be assertive and honest with her as much as possible and establish yourself and your identity. I had a tendency to just do what I wanted secretively instead of taking the bull by the horns and it ruined trust when I was caught. I have noticed that my mother respects the children in the family who are aggressively assertive and demand rights, freedoms and the like while trampling on others. I do not understand this - I tend to avoid aggressiveness. But I think it points to a dynamic of power struggles and hierarchy which I've never been into. My mother is the head of the house. My father is definitely under her (very passive although he explodes every once in a great while). My oldest brother and the brother in college both had an aggressive power struggle with my mother - the oldest did not win (and came out of the closet 2 years ago), the college brother definitely won and tries to dominate everyone now, and my youngest (the baby of the family) brother is more like me. Doesn't care to join in the power struggles, but will fight when forced to. As I'm bringing up my child one thing is very apparent to me. I am the parent - to nurture and love my child, set up guidelines, etc., but I am not infallible and I do not want to come across as infallible. I make mistakes which I apologize for and try to correct. (Something I never saw in my upbringing) If I screw up - I note it for future reference and try to learn from it. Its human to screw up - but how you handle the mess is the key.

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