Posted by Sharlee (203.45.206.21) on May 01, 2002 at 06:13:12:
In Reply to: Sharlee, posted by Margaret (206.203.36.168) on April 30, 2002 at 19:45:14:
### Margaret,
I guess the first thing I would ask is why you think you would get more money where you are now than if you go down south. Are there not the same opportunities down south as there are where you are?
The second thing I would comment on is to work out whether your desire for children is more than your desire for a partner. If you don't have your number one relationship with your partner, then eventually, a marriage will run into trouble. Many women who divorce have their number one relationship with their child. I did myself - am not sure what the reasons were - I would guess that my ex being a 7 had so many other activities on the go that he was not often with me and we grew apart. My children were always with me and they became the most important relationships in my life. I may have contributed to it myself. Whatever, it is not a healthy state of affairs for a good lasting relationship.
I can identify with your wish to have children but I think that has to follow the life partnership. To enhance your opportunities there, you need to be happy in yourself and if that means living in the south, then you need to give that consideration provided you have a good idea of why living in the south would make you happier. I would be surprised if the job opportunities down there were that drastically lower than where you are now.
Obviously I cannot advise you on what is the best choice to make. Life is a gamble and you have to follow your intuition. Perhaps you could "incubate" a dream to check out your internal wisdom. The process is:
- before you go to bed, write on an A4 piece of paper what the problem is and what are the possible solutions, then what is stopping you making the solutions work. Then write in a single sentence a question embodying what you want to know. Do not ask a "yes" or "no" question but something open ended like "Help me understand the next step towards my dream of having a family." Then repeat this question over and over until you fall asleep. When you awake in the morning, immediately write down anything you are thinking of when you awake, any dream bits you can remember and any song that may be on your mind when you awake. Be open to answers that are unexpected - your internal wisdom may work in strange ways. Be aware that your dreams are often in metaphors such as being in a room where snow is filling you up ("snowed under") or crossing a waterway and changing direction in the middle (changing "mid stream"). I was trying to work out a problem with my computer a month ago and I had this dream I was leaning out of a window with 2 ping pong bats batting a ping pong ball from one to the other. I worked out it was related to my computer problem and my windows program. Its really quite fascinating what the mind does and if you pay attention, the internal wisdom will be there.
Whatever your decision, embrace it and be prepared to change after a decent go with your decision.I find if you change your mind too much, you end up feeling defeated so decide you will do something for 6 or 12 months and say if it is no better then, then I will reconsider my options. That's my advice for what its worth. Sharlee
> Thank you Sharlee, but I didn't do too good in the interview today. Mostly because I didn't show enough enthusiasm - and no doubt this is because deep down inside I am really eager to go down south and meet a potential life partner. My reluctancy to stay here not longer than 1 or 2 weeks showed. So now I'm thinking I should just go down south at the end of the month, regardless of assignment, try this out, and give it a shot, otherwise I won't be albe to get a long term job because of my reluctancy and wanting to go somewhere else I simply cannot hide.
> I am having trouble deciding whether to go now or in a year.
> You have experience with both family and career, what do you think?
> If I do go, and it doesn't work within a year, then I will have lost a year's worth of decent income, enough to finance a 6 mo trip back to europe for more sightseeing, plus less one year to get a family started, plus one less year of finding someone new.
> If I don't go, and I stay here, I probably will not do too good in my job because I will always be thinking about the other choice, nor will I be able to find any other potential life partner, becuase I will still be too pre-occupied thinking about someone else.
> If I do go, and it does work out, my biggest fear then, is what if I don't get to go on my trip back to Europe?
> Just looking at the employment market, I could make enough to save for a 6mo trip to Europe here, but I don't know if I could there.
> Then again, I am so eager to go down there and see if this might work, I can't get a job because they *see* how eager I am to 'not stay here long'.
> My biggest losses are my trip to Europe, if it does work, and if it doesn't work, another year behind family making (finding a new parter, etc), and I'm pushing it as it is. GOSH, Sharlee, all your experience and knowledge. Please, what do you think? How can one possibly organize and and put in best order, my goals with not very well known outcomes? ?
>
> > > It's so easy to generalize things. When one thing goes wrong, it could easily seem to have the domino effect, and soon enough the rest of your world seems to have gone wrong, too.
> > > A good way to overcome this is to "step out" of your current world, and open yourself up to new experiences. Take risks. That's what I did today, and I don't feel so much a "wreck" now. My life has changed for the better today just because of this.
> > > I signed up with another agency. They had a new assignment pop up earlier today that could last 6 months but it requires a 12 hour work day, plus overtime on top of that. I was not crazy about the hours, however, it would pay more than my last one. It offered something I've never made before, so there was no way I could turn it down. If this thing works, all I have to do is work my buns off for the next 6 mo, save as much as possible, then be much better off than I am now.
> > > All this just because I got my buns out of bed today, and forced myself to be brave and keep pounding the pavement and knocking on doors, instead of laying in bed feeling depressed and hopeless and scared of the future.
> > > The key for better health and integration is to pace yourself, keep working on looking for what you need to make your life less stressful, whther it's a job with income, finding the right health club, a decent place to live, etc. and sooner or later something will come up if you just have patience.
> > > I am no longer a wreck. Although my future plans have been delayed, at least I am no longer a wreck because I don't fear not having a place to live anymore. I don't like that fear. That's my second greatest fear. And it seems that just might have been taken care of. (Hopefully).