Posted by Christy on December 29, 1998 at 12:06:49:
In Reply to: 4 and 9 dilemma and seeking device posted by Kate on December 28, 1998 at 22:27:47:
KATE -
That was great advice from Brian. The only thing I can add is this: Conflict is caused by change. If one or the other of you were not changing, there wouldn't be conflict. Make the most out of it,get info on how to fight well and learn from the fighting. You won't change him but you can change yourself. Its painful to change within yourself because you feel out of step with your husband and family - your son is trying to disjoin from you and your husband - hence the pot. Find your own activities and suggest to your son some activities that will help him individualize. One of the most often mistakes that parents make is trying to promote family harmony over and above their own unique needs. He's a teenager and needs to become a man by leaving (emotionally, mentally and spiritually).
I have been reading and reflecting on the enneagram for about 2 years years now. I am fascinated by it and have always enjoyed self-analysis to a fault. I am almost sure I am a 4 with a strong 5 wing but show some 1 and
> 6 tendencies too (mainly 6 being I have had anxiety all my life) I was also excited because it was the first personality type test that my husband of nearly 29 years fit into-he is for sure a 9.
> At first I thought understanding the enneagram would be a great help to our rollarcoaster relationship of 30 years. My intense emotions and his calmness and at times apathy has been quite a mix. He shows some interest in the enneagram but only from what I tell him-he believes he is 9 because I told him so and now when anything goes wrong he says "well, I'm just a 9" -no thought that the enneagram can be a tool for change. No exploring it-he just believes everything I tell him about lots of things-changes religions when I do etc etc. (and he is a highly educated person-just to clear the picture) Now I am beginning to think that the enneagram is causing more conflict than before! I read all the frustrations about people with 9's and was thinking "yes! yes! That's so true" and then get all accusing at him. The making a molehill out of a mountain especially bugs me because we have a teen who is going through some problems (he is probably a 6-tries to please eveyone-a real group person-yet loves time alone too) He-may be experimenting with pot and who know and my husband just doesn't want to see it. Me-I am all beserk thinking something awful is going to happen to him. This is just one example.
> Then I get all self righteous and see my self as trying to change-trying to "do" rather that just feel and going to counselling , taking meds, reading self-help books, meditating -no one else in the family does any of this. "Poor Me" and i complain and gripe at his laxadazical Peter Pan dreamworld alot. Maybe I envy it--I do love him but we just fuss all the time-or rather I do-he just ignores my B****ing most the time and tells me its ok (its not). Help-I need some advice-maybe I should leave the enneagram alone for a while-or maybe it is the tool for mening our relationship. Don't worry about my feelings-I need some nitty gritty advice-I am sick of griping and know it doesn't help butt just keep exploding with 4 emotion,and now am spilling my guts to the whole world! Sigh!
> thanks
> KATE