Re: 4 and 9 dilemma and seeking device

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> I am a Nine who has studied the Enneagram for a couple of years and have developed the following list of the strengths > and limitations of Nines. Hopefully, this list will help you develop insights into your personality and help deal with your > limitations of your husband. To me, your son also appears to be a Nine. > I was married for 15 years to a Four. I now realize that our expectations from the relationship were diametrically opposed. She wanted emotional intensity, while my whole relationship strategy was to avoid such intensity. She loathed the ordinary, while I eptomized the ordinary person. Remember that Fours feel that they are somehow exempt from the ordinary things of life because they are "different" or "special." Nines, on the other hand, are the exact opposite. Deep down in a Nine there is an underlying sense of not being > important or not mattering as an individual. This deep-seated belief translates into subconscious feelings of inadequacy > and a general lack of self-confidence. As Don Riso points out, Nines feel that they are nobody special. > Enough meandering. Here's the list: > Nine Strengths > AS INDIVIDUALS, NINES > • are quiet, reflective and peaceful > • have a sincere and genuine lifestyle > • accept life comfortably > • have patience with themselves and others > • enjoy life's simplicity > • are compatible with others > • blend in most situations > AS COMMUNICATORS, NINES > • are receptive and open to other's input > • negotiate and mediate issues > • listen superbly to others > • have strong empathy skills > AS GOAL SETTERS, NINES > • are receptive to suggestions > • appreciate exposure to many possibilities > • recognize the value of goal-setting > • trust themselves to succeed in many different environments > > AS CAREER PERSONS, NINES > • accommodate others easily > • handle bureaucratic environments well > • negotiate well > • act, or at least appear to act, calmly under pressure > • prefer a slower pace and think time > • like autonomy and space > AS PARENTS, NINES > • flow well with crisis > • take time to enjoy each of their children > • connect with, and understand, difficult children > • have their children's respect for their gentle manner and style > • seldom react with anger > • are supportive and considerate of their children > • accept their companion's decisions and demonstrate unity regarding their children > • have patience with deviant and inappropriate behavior > • accept differences superbly > AS CHILDREN, NINES > • conform with established traditions and boundaries > • are non-demanding > • show a willingness to accommodate parents and siblings > • play well by themselves > • accept life > AS FRIENDS, NINES > • have patience and endure through both good times and bad times > • are tolerant of unkind behavior > • are supportive and accepting > • listen with empathy > • relax in most situations > • are liked by most people > • are compatible with various personalities > • like most people > • enjoy observing others > • are non-demanding of friends > AS A COMPANION, NINES > • tolerate others' tardiness > • entertain themselves easily > • appreciate leadership qualities in others > • are loyal and committed to the relationship > • willingly accept the beliefs and values of their companion > > Nine Limitations > AS INDIVIDUALS, NINES > • lack confidence in themselves > • feel unimportant, ordinary and common > • can be boring, non-descript and detached > • take a passive approach to life > • do not trust their own emotions or feelings > • are unresponsive or openly excited about experiences > • have problems with emotional intimacy > • are bashful and unsure of themselves > • are easily manipulated into changing their plans > • have problems accepting their own anger and expressing it > • have problems being around others when they are angry > • have ambivalence about their direction in life and what goals to pursue > • often ignore their own needs by placing the needs of other's before their own > • often do not take responsibility for themselves, but take responsibility for others > • resist making commitments > • do not want to control or be controlled > • make molehills out of mountains > • often agree to please others, then do what they want > AS COMMUNICATORS, NINES > • are fearful of confrontation > • are unable to verbally respond quickly when confronted with emotionally laden or personal issues > • can be dishonest with feelings and often agree only to please others > • have a hard time verbalizing feelings, although they feel things deeply > • hesitate to engage others in conversation when they feel unsure of themselves > • don't contribute openly to conversations unless they feel comfortable > • have trouble being direct and communicate indirectly > • have trouble getting to the point without deviating > • accept other's decisions without seeking best solution > • often give very little emotional energy to a conversation unless forced > • refuse to take stands on issues, or agree with others on issues even though they really disagree > • often prefer to observe and let others interact > AS GOAL SETTERS, NINES > • do not see the value of goal setting > • take a wait and see attitude toward life > • lack motivation and procrastinate setting goals > • wait for others to make decisions for them > • lack consistency with goal setting > • see goals as demanding and therefore restrictive > • wait for others to set goals for them and then criticize those goals > AS CAREER PERSONS, NINES > • keep a low profile and stay out of the limelight > • usually do not like or want leadership positions > • often have low energy and procrastinate until a project needs to be done > • often require direction and leadership from others > • resent harsh direction and leadership from others > • resist others' attempts to dominate them > • can be difficult to motivate and inspire, and tend to be apathetic deep down > • are willing to stay in same, monotonous job > • fear change and risk-taking > • may not always conform > • may be easily manipulated by others when unmotivated or unconcerned > AS PARENTS, NINES > • refuse to engage in conflict with their children > • are poor disciplinarians > • do not initiate activities with their children > • work obsessively to maintain peace > • show poor leadership skills with children > • are easily manipulated or controlled by their children > • have trouble delegating chores to their children > • can be ignored by their children > AS CHILDREN, NINES > • can be easily ignored or overlooked > • do not trust their own emotions or feelings > • resent being pressured to do things > • do not contribute much to conversations > • are noncommittal in conversations > • wait for a parent to initiate an idea and then criticize the parent > • prefer the comforts of home to the demands of the world > • can be indifferent to family dilemmas > • do not complete chores or other tasks without constant reminding > • often remain emotionally detached from members of their families > AS FRIENDS, NINES > • have few very close personal friends > • are easily led by others opinions > • do not express honest opinions or perceptions if controversial > • let the other person lead > • over accommodate the other person > • tend to be passive in friendships > • let the other person initiate contact and activities > • require extra protection and support in friendship > • can be easily hurt or defeated > • back down quickly when there is a disagreement > AS COMPANIONS, NINES > • prefer to let the other person to lead > • need a lot of time alone > • may be boring to the other companion > • can be indecisive > • may be apathetic > • can be too accommodating > • tend to let life and love pass them by > • experience difficulty in initiating new relationships > • feel too inadequate to take a stand and voice opinions > • tend to be emotionally detached > • feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy > • do not seek emotional intimacy > • have trouble sharing emotions and feelings > How to Develop Positive Connections with Nines > • Be loving and sensitive > • Be firm but gentle > • Be patient > • Give them personal space > • Be simple and open > • Accept their individuality > • Be kind > • Smile > • Be casual, informal and relaxed > • Listen quietly > • Look for non-verbal clues to their feelings, rather than what they say > • Be positive > • Help them feel safe to share their real feelings and emotions > Things to Avoid With Nines > • Do not be unkind > • Do not act with pretense > • Do not force verbal expression > • Do not try to control them > • Do not discount what they say > • Do not get angry with them unless it is justified > • Do not criticize them unless it is justified > • Do not dominate them > • Do not be too intense > • Do not overwhelm them with too much > • Do not force confrontations > • Do force leadership upon them > • Do not expect them to always want you around > • Do not overlook them > • Do not put them in the spotlight > • Do not make mountains out of mole hills > • Do not expect them to be emotionally intimate with you > > > I have been reading and reflecting on the enneagram for about 2 years years now. I am fascinated by it and have always enjoyed self-analysis to a fault. I am almost sure I am a 4 with a strong 5 wing but show some 1 and > > 6 tendencies too (mainly 6 being I have had anxiety all my life) I was also excited because it was the first personality type test that my husband of nearly 29 years fit into-he is for sure a 9. > > At first I thought understanding the enneagram would be a great help to our rollarcoaster relationship of 30 years. My intense emotions and his calmness and at times apathy has been quite a mix. He shows some interest in the enneagram but only from what I tell him-he believes he is 9 because I told him so and now when anything goes wrong he says "well, I'm just a 9" -no thought that the enneagram can be a tool for change. No exploring it-he just believes everything I tell him about lots of things-changes religions when I do etc etc. (and he is a highly educated person-just to clear the picture) Now I am beginning to think that the enneagram is causing more conflict than before! I read all the frustrations about people with 9's and was thinking "yes! yes! That's so true" and then get all accusing at him. The making a molehill out of a mountain especially bugs me because we have a teen who is going through some problems (he is probably a 6-tries to please eveyone-a real group person-yet loves time alone too) He-may be experimenting with pot and who know and my husband just doesn't want to see it. Me-I am all beserk thinking something awful is going to happen to him. This is just one example. > > Then I get all self righteous and see my self as trying to change-trying to "do" rather that just feel and going to counselling , taking meds, reading self-help books, meditating -no one else in the family does any of this. "Poor Me" and i complain and gripe at his laxadazical Peter Pan dreamworld alot. Maybe I envy it--I do love him but we just fuss all the time-or rather I do-he just ignores my B****ing most the time and tells me its ok (its not). Help-I need some advice-maybe I should leave the enneagram alone for a while-or maybe it is the tool for mening our relationship. Don't worry about my feelings-I need some nitty gritty advice-I am sick of griping and know it doesn't help butt just keep exploding with 4 emotion,and now am spilling my guts to the whole world! Sigh! > > thanks > > KATE

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