Posted by Kate on December 31, 1998 at 22:35:08:
In Reply to: 4 and 9 dilemma and seeking device posted by Kate on December 28, 1998 at 22:27:47:
To all who responded to my post-thank you so much! My post was made in moment of frustration and after I posted I felt rather vulnerable and a bit foolish! But now I am glad, because I feel like the information I got from other 4 and 9's was invaluable (not that I wouldn't appreciate advice from other types too-) I am going to print it out and really try to study the excellent insights that were given.
Brian-it really helped to hear from another male 9's prespective and somehow it really did help see things in a different way . Since he doesn't express himself much, your thoughts helped me see how he probably does view things. When you said people don't change--do you mean their basic core-or enneagram type? I agree with that and I agree you can't change others (although I do try -one of my faults-that I need to work on-especially since it is a fruitless effort and basically wrong) But I do think one can make changes in ones own behavior and grow. Just one example is how I am making progress in learning to enjoy "ordainary Pleasures and the moment" instead of always longing for something more exciting or feeling something is "missing" There are other things that I am slowly changing too . I didn't quite understand what you meant about Shakesphere in Love-but now I realize it is a movie (was glancing thru my son's Rolling Stone Mag last night and saw the review!) Your comment about the nachos and romote really hit home-thanks for your sincere and helpful reply.
Yes, Christy, it does help to know that we aren't alone in our fourness and the pain often involved with it. I especially appreciated your advice about my son-it came on a good day since we had let him go on a trip to pick up his girlfriend several hours from here. He IS 17-about to graduate from highschool and it is time to let go-Basically, I have given my 2 children lots of room to grow independently in many ways-it is just that I am parinoid about alcohol and drug use because my family background has so many tragic cases of abuse (not my husband and I at all-I worry about the genetic part)
Amanda-your advice was so valuable-you being a 4 married to a 9. It sounds like you have a very good relationship and have been able to work many things out. I often feel like much of what my husband has learned about many things-has come from me too since he was never encouraged to be curious, to question, or to be creative as a child -His family is extremly non-communicable and stolid. Howver, he also is like a sponge on his own when it comes to anything scientific or about nature animals-and will read every word in a museum or a zoo (while I'm flitting from place to place to just get the "Feel of it all") He is a science teacher and wildlife management major-watches many things on Discovery channel etc,
And finally, Garth, your list is invaluable and it is so good that you have taken the time to sort these things out and be able to know yourself so well. then it is even better that you are sharing this-thanks so much and I will print this out to really think about and digest. My daughter is probably a 9 but I really don't think my son is( although he is a peacemaker in many ways). But he is VERY intense and always anxious to get things going and to do things the right way. He is also a people pleaser and very concerned with what others think of him. He has a high IQ and much comman sense but also has learning diabilities in English and this has given him a lot of inferiority feelings although he has had much positive encouagement from teachers and us. He also works 40 hour a week besides school-he drives himself quite hard.
This was long but I wanted to thank each of you personally for your time and your willingness to share. Have a wonderful 1999.
Best wishes
Kate