Posted by Tal on February 24, 1999 at 14:00:21:
In Reply to: Help a Four! posted by Aurora on February 23, 1999 at 09:44:01:
Hey Aurora,
I find it helps to keep a couple of things in mind when worrying about being shy/antisocial.
Shyness is essentially a fear of being judged, regardless of what arena it falls into. When we fear social interaction, we're really just fearing people's reaction to us--fearing that they will judge us as less than what we feel we are.
With this in mind, what I think helps is to look at the people around *you* and gauge your own reaction towards them. Does the fact that you may occasionally note to yourself that someone is acting slightly 'odd' or wearing something 'strange' really mean anything? We all do this frequently, because judging is a natural function (it may not be a *good* thing necessarily, but the brain can hardly function properly without making judgements). But I'm willing to bet that you, as do most people, forget about those little judgements you make about people just seconds after they're made.
Basically, try putting yourself in the shoes of the people who you are dealing with, and pretend you're their audience and they're in your position of being the 'social' one. If they slip up or say something 'incorrect', what will your reaction be? 9 out of 10 times I'm sure you won't even notice or will immediately overlook it. The other 1 time you'll probably make a small note and then forget soon after. Either way, your judgement has no bearing on them--it *doesn't* render them defective, it *doesn't* alter their ability to function. It's negligible. With this in mind, there isn't really any reason to be afraid of social interaction. Even if you do something 'wrong', people don't care nearly as much about you as Fours suspect they do :)
Fours' whole identity hinges on a fear of being unloved/defective. Because of this, they experience shyness: having dwelt so much on themselves, they fear confirmation of any tiny flaw that might point to a greater one. When you've spent most of your waking moments searching for yourself so desperately, you're naturally going to become painfully self-conscious. Given that acting 'normal' is then no longer an option, Fours react in one of two ways:
Either they become shy and *fear* being made to feel defective, or they try to *battle* that very fear by over-compensating and acting 'different' (essentially saying "look, just to prove I'm not afraid of being judged, I'm going to cross-dress and walk out in public"). What I'm getting at is that I think it's helpful to remember that even those people who act the most unconventionally, and of whom who you might have thought to yourself "I wish I had the guts to [dress/act/speak] like that" are really very much the same type of people as you are! And even more to the point, even when people do act unconventionally, they're largely met with acceptance or indifference. If it's no big deal (especially nowadays) to live a *completely* unconventional lifestyle, why fear social interaction with just a few people? :)
Another technique you can try is, if you have a few close friends who you feel very comfortable around, ask them what they think of you whenever you behave in a way you would fear to in public. If you say or do something you think other people would look down on, ask your friends what they thought of that specific act, and whether they think it could affect their judgement of you as a person, even if they didn't know you very well. I'd guess that most of the time they won't even notice :)
On a more personal note, I'm a 4 too and I relate to your fear of social interaction a good deal. As little as two or three years ago, I used to pretty much flee the room in terror when someone I didn't know approached me. I had a terrible fear of saying something wrong and seeming strange and out of place, so I just avoided everyone. Over the last couple of years, I've almost completely banished that fear (though it still reappears from time to time). Having to be social doesn't put me off very much now, though I still don't enjoy it (and probably never will). Every time I'm put into a situation where I have to interact with a few (or more than a few) people, I go in with a mentality of "F*** em if they don't like me", and I extend that to everything I do or say. I find it works wonders :) Of course, the fear of opinion runs very deep, and I doubt I'll ever get rid of it entirely. I'll probably never be the most spontaneous or outspoken person in the room, the one with the funniest the jokes, or the one who knows how to keep everyone amused. And that's fine. I appreciate those things in other people, but that just isn't me ;)