Posted by PseudoName on June 28, 1999 at 01:31:54:
In Reply to: PsuedoName posted by Dave on June 27, 1999 at 23:27:22:
Good mind, good questions.
The essence being, why all these so very broad sweeping statements on the state of my unworthiness. How very 4 of me...
Quantify, qualify... perhaps time to pull my head out of my, well. You get the picture.
> > In sum, I feel as if I have lost myself.
> ------------------------------------
> How did you feel when you weren't lost? How does that compare to this lost feel?
How did I feel as not-lost? Internally strong. Capable. I knew who I was and what my internal resources were.
Now, even small stresses get to me, bother me. I doubt my ability to cope and to bounce back, I don't trust myself to defend 'me', or to move with any assurance in the world.
>
> Everything that I have fought for, everything that I have done to make myself stronger over my conscious lifetime, has been lost.
> -----------------------------------------
> Everything? I mean, do you mean everything? There's not one thing or resource, experience, feeling, philosophy, achievement, or anything that you still don't possess?
Ok, so not everything... a lot of what is important to me. Specifically, my ability to defend myself appropriately, both mentally/emotionally and physically, and a feeling of positive strength - knowing that I can rely on myself.
> I do not like what I see emerging, .............
> ---------------------------------
> What does that look like to you? How do you know you don't like it? hOW does it differ from a scene you would like to see emerge?
WEAK! Unsure! Brittle! Vulnerable to hurt! Unable to defend myself, unable to cope appropriately. I tend lately to curl up into a ball and roll under the table, metaphorically speaking.
How do I know I don't like it? It's humiliating, and takes away my sense of self.
I know I sound infantile, however perhaps this is the time and the place. What would I like to see emerge? A stronger, more capable person. I feel very small, right now. I have been delving into a lot of feelings that I now wish I had left well enough alone. I never thought I'd say this, but maybe ignorance is bliss. No, actually I can't say that and mean it. I do wish, I had more internal resources.
>
> and I hope, quite frankly, that it's a phase and not who I am.
> --------------------------------------------
> Does this emergence reveal your identity, who you are? Is it a part of you? all of you? How does it differ from who you feel and see yourself to be at present and past?
Does it reveal my identity? All emergence, by definition, reveals some part of identity, whether transient or permanent, I'm not qualified to say. A part of me, not all of me. Both more complex and more vulnerable. Less able to protect myself because I see more of other people's pain. I have developed a conscience, rather late in life.
> I see a much weaker person.
> --------------------------------------
> Weaker in what way?
> Is it: Weaker or vulnerable? Weaker or more confused? Weaker or more overwhelmed?
All of these things. Weaker as in, what is weakness, or that which I define as weakness is really not such? Perception, perception, yes?
>
> You have no idea, how hard that is for me to admit. Even under a fake name, in a totally anonymous medium.
> ------------------------------------
> No, I don't, but you have shown a great deal of courage in taking a step for asking for help. What part of you is willing to act this courageous? Are you confusing your courage for weakness?
Courage is not strength. Screw courage. You can't be courageous unless you're fighting fear. I'm sick of fear, and I'm not courageous, I'm tired of not having any resources to bounce back. I would be... more internally resourceful. I want to be sure of my world again. There you go. That's pretty much all of it. This is ALL weakness. If I were stronger, I wouldnt need to be here. I realize I sound pathetic, however... hmmm. Put away the kitchen knives. LOL.