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Enneagram Main Board Archive HELP!!!! NEED ADVICE! WHAT TO DO NOW?!!Posted by Cecil on September 19, 1999 at 17:27:41:
AAACCCCKKKKK!!!!!!AAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! I just spent a whole lot of money and time to meet someone who, well, let's just say, I haven't really seen yet, nor know if I ever will, really, at least at the rate this is going, and now am starting to think that I should have never even pursued this whole thing in the first place because I am afraid that I made the wrong choice after all, because I haven't even seen him ONCE yet and now that he knows where I'm at and what I've done to get here, hasn't even attempted to meet with me, and I thought I was in the 'l' word with him! Worse yet (or is it?), I STILL AM! Even after I still have not heard from him anyway, because the dream is still there, but my head keeps saying "think REALITY, Cecil, REALITY" and my heart keeps saying "hope, have hope" and I have no idea what to do now and I'm at such a loss, just so darn heartbroken, at least so far. Should I still wait in complete agony, watching the days and hours go by and the clock tick as weeks past, so that I can be in dread and misery only to learn eventually the hard way he is not interested in me? How long should I sit and wait that someday soon he will say he is interested in meeting with me? Should I be more active and try to get him to meet me anyway? Should I just forget the whole thing and call it off immediately? Should I just leave and let him know if he changes his mind to let me know, but in the meantime I need to keep living on my life? I can't stand the life I'm living now. I can't stand being here. I feel so rejected. Everything here reminds me of how rejected I got. I could NEVER life a life here without him. I would have to tell everyone what made me to come here in the first place and I would have to confess I (at least 'thought' I) fell in 'l' with someone, but when I got here he COMPLETELY ABANDONED me and I NEVER GOT TO SEE HIM MY WHOLE LIFE!!! I've finally got to convince myself to say it's alright to move here just for him, but only if I'm going to be here with him, not if I get abandoned by him. Do you know how I've NEVER done ANYthing like this MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!???? I CANNOT BELEIVE the risk I took in making such a heart/feeling-based move, OBVIOUSLY NOT based on head/logic reasons. I NEVER DO STUFF LIKE THIS. I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE A TOTAL ASS OUT OF MYSELF. WHAT WAS I THINKING????!!! But that's just the past. And the past is the past. What's done is done. My main concern RIGHT NOW is WHAT should I DO??!! I'm STUCK!!!! Yet, I STILL HAVE HOPE!!!! My only wish is to still be able to see him and spend time with him, maybe even a commitment, depending upon how things go between us. Can't believe I did this...feel like such an ASS HOLE...getting blown off like this at least so far...never got blown off before...but, then, again, always was too damn smart to put myself in this kind of position in the first place...feel like doing something reckless now, REAL reckless...been down in the drain for too long...got caught for possession of a weapon the other night, ran out, hid it under a plant in the road, no one found it...took it back the next day...wasn't even a 'technical weapon' anyway...just a lousy swiss army knife...but these people made such a BIG HUGE DEAL OUT OF NOTHING...chancing getting caught once more for 'trespassing' and 'unlawful entering and use of private property' right now at this exact second while I write this exact post...snuck right in private property...pretended I was a student...found an internet terminal...just to check my e-mail to see if he wrote me but the dang thing keeps timing out on me...all this just for him...the crud I pull, the bull I put myself through.. just to see if he will write to me and tell me where to meet him...all this just to see someone who so far hasn't even seen me yet...can't cry over spilt milk...wouldn't do any good, anyway...but sure do feel like it sometimes...sure do feel like it... If I don't here from him, I simply can't continue to stay here in this foreign, but beautiful, gorgeous lovely town, it reminds me of how deserted I feel from being rejected by him. But what if I still have a chance? When will it be? WHEN!? How will I know? I don't want to call it off? How long should I wait? If not this long, then HOW long should I give him? I'm willing to stay here only if it's with him, but not if I must do without. Is that bad? I'm tired of being all alone in my life. Is that a bad thing? The fisherman job came and went. I couldn't even bring myself to go because I was afraid of losing him if I did. What is wrong with this scenario? OR IS THERE, EVEN? If this was anyone else, or say me at any other place and/or time, I would say 'you are insane to wait, leave now, and be happy you lost this little'. Why is this happening to me? Doesn't he know I won't hurt him? Is their any hope left? I'm so heartbroken. Please, someone, please tell me, what should I do? Heartbroken and shattered,
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